Posted in Faith, Friendship, Health

I did a very HARD thing

I knew I had to do something.

I knew it would be HARD. Probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

I knew it was right, in fact, more than right. It was good.

When the “thing” came to light a couple of weeks ago, my stomach churned.

I cried.
I looped around and around about it.
I talked with a professional and got wise counsel.
I chatted with my people.
I prayed.

I wished the “thing” did not exist. But it did. Large and scary and awful.

It was hurting someone I love. A few people I love. Harming them.

It was ruinous. The opposite of healing. That “wide road that leads to destruction.”

This “thing” was out of control.

Actually, it probably was in control, the horrific boss, dictating thoughts, decisions and actions.

Causing shame, fear, guilt, heartache, mistrust, disunity, chaos, impatience, lashing out.

That’s why I had to do something.

A very HARD thing.

I set a plan so I wouldn’t back out.
Gathered others to help.  With the “thing.”
Chose a day and time.

I knew it was good and right, but as the moment approached, my head ached, my heart raced and I was very afraid.

Of all the bad that might happen.
Of my own inability to follow through. Be calm. Show tender and fierce love at the same time.
Of screwing it all up. Bringing more harm.

But I forged ahead, knowing the “thing” needed to come out of hiding into the open.
Remembering that I can do what’s HARD.
Trusting the process of transformation and the very God who is at the heart of it.

The dreaded hour came.

It was awful.
It was scary.
It was sacred.
It was beautiful.
It was HARD.

Darkness came to light.
Tears were shed.
Boundaries were kept.
Bravery showed up.
Love fitfully reigned in the mess.

And the most important of all…

One small step was taken down the “narrow path that leads to life.”

One.
Small.
HARD.
Step.

*items in quotes come from Matthew 7:13*

P.S.  Jonathan Puddle has a 30-day devotional book.  It combines a short message along with a guided audio meditation for each day.

I started four days ago and it’s been fabulous.  Just what I need to center myself around who God says I am and how much I am loved by Him.

There’s a Kindle version, an Audible book and a hard copy available.

I hope you give it a chance and then let me know how it’s going for you. I am excited to continue with it.
Posted in Faith, Friendship

Who belongs? Do we?

It starts so young.

We ask ourselves: Who belongs? Do we?

My heart broke as my five-year old came home from kindergarten one day with tears in her eyes.

“They won’t let me in.”

“Into what honey?” I asked tenderly.

“Into the blond club. I have brown hair.”

UGH. REALLY?!?!?!?

Having been the only “red head” my whole life in many circumstances, this exclusion hit me right in the deepest part of the feels.

Who belongs? Do we?

And it’s not just hair. NOT AT ALL.

It permeates our whole life.

Middle school lunch tables.
High school sports teams.
College application processes.
Belief systems.
Interest or life-status groups.
Even families.

Who belongs? Do we?

Sometimes, the answer is a hearty “YES!”

We saved you a seat!

You made the team!
You have a thick envelope waiting for you in the mailbox!
Please be on our governing board!
Join our club!

Take my last name!

YOU BELONG! YOU BELONG! YOU BELONG!

The looming question is quieted and we feel all safe inside.

Until…

Something goes amiss. Awry.

We wear something unacceptable to the leader of the lunch table.
An injury ends our season.
The tuition is too hefty.
We begin to question what we’ve been taught all our life.
Our new job schedule doesn’t work with the club meeting dates.
We do something unforgivable.

Then the answer becomes a very loud and emphatic “NO!”

YOU’RE OUT! YOU’RE OFF! YOU DO NOT AND CANNOT BELONG!

We are US and you are THEM!

We are INSIDE and you are OUTSIDE!

It’s no wonder we hide and do whatever it takes to fit in and forgo our true selves.

We just want to belong. To be on the inside. To be loved. To be accepted.

It’s a God-given part of being us. Human. Our crucial need for others.

Remember that phrase, “It’s not good for man to be alone” right at the beginning of the whole Bible? I have a crazy feeling it’s a lot more than a girl/boy thingy. It might just be a human thingy.

So what’s our answer to: Who belongs? Do we?

Jesus’ prayer at the end of his life that “they are ONE just as He and His Father are ONE” is serious. He means it.

Jesus’ reminder to His disciples that “as the Father has loved Me, I too have loved you.” is serious. He means it.

God LOVES us and wants us to LOVE each other. To be ONE.

Not OUTSIDERS and INSIDERS.

ONE.

Not US and THEM.

ONE.

We BELONG to Him and He BELONGS to us and we BELONG to each other.

The question is finally answered in the deepest parts of our souls. My soul.

By LOVE HIMSELF.

I am LOVED. I BELONG.

No thing can ever ever ever separate me from that LOVE.
No thing can ever stop me from BELONGING to the Tender Lover of My Soul.

It’s the same for you too.

From my heart to yours.

P.S. You belong to me, my reader friend. No matter what. End of story.

Posted in Celebration, Faith, Friendship, Grief

The Three Dots

Text one: “Please pray. It was a horrific day!”

Text two (about two minutes later): “GOOD NEWS! My husband found a job!”

I sat there staring at my screen. The three dots kept coming in two different places.

I waited anxiously, my feelings all over the place. Tears welled.

Strange tears. Filled with gratitude and grief all in the same moment.

Was that even allowed?

Could I cry for the pain and cry for the joy?

It didn’t matter the answer, because I was. Plain and simple.

I felt myself tossed around for the next several minutes as I went back-and-forth with these two people who I love.

Grief. Joy. Sadness. Relief. Anger. Gratitude.

A bouncing ball inside from one emotion to the next.

Then it all hit me. Right between the eyes (of my heart).

This is sacred ground I am walking on.

This is humanity at its fullest.

This is what I’ve wanted my whole life.

To not stuff it down. To not brush it aside. ANY.OF.IT.

To grieve with those who are grieving.
Like cry real tears for them.
To hold them in their pain and trust that somehow their sorrow is halved because I am sharing in it.

BUT also to rejoice with those who are rejoicing.
Like cry real tears for them.
To hold them in their joy and trust that somehow their delight is doubled because I am sharing in it.

I want it from others and I want to give it to others.

This is how I heal.
How I embrace my humanness.
How I come closer to Tender Lover of My Soul.
How I help to mend the world, right in front of me and all around me.

Welcome ALL.OF.IT.

Come close to EVERY.LITTLE.BIT.

Cheer.
Cry.
Laugh.
Text.
Hug.
Pray.

ALL.OF.IT.

Posted in Faith, Friendship

Dear Human Race, Here’s What I Need From You Right Now

YUP.

What I need from you.

But also what I hope to give you in return.

The pretty blunt dos and don’ts.

Not flowery. You might actually like it.

  1. DO check in on me and all my feelings, even if they seem crazy.
  2. DON’T try to convince me who to vote for. I will be spending lots of time (doing research and on my knees) figuring that out for myself.
  3. DO respect my boundaries about no-right-answer decisions. DO cheer for me when I decide what I think is safe or risky. Some things might still FREAK me out and I can’t get “there” yet.
  4. DON’T have a secret agenda to change me or my mind. Just be with me in the middle of the mess.
  5. DO tell me why you are making your choices. I love knowing you, even and especially if you are completely different from me.
  6. DON’T tell me I’m nuts, even if I am that minute. Just give me a virtual hug over ZOOM.
  7. DO keep our relationship paramount. I will be here when we’ve moved beyond all of this.
  8. DON’T yell in the comment section on social media. Also, DON’T post political things. At least not in my news feed. I want to hear about your kids, your pets, your latest adventures and even cute memes that make me laugh or help me cope. I am happy to have a one-on-one conversation with you about all that’s clogging the news.
  9. DO understand that I am trying really hard to navigate the complexity of this with as much bravery and wisdom as I can muster, keeping grace for you and me at the forefront. I might screw this up some days.
  10. DON’T be afraid to tell me how much it all SUCKS right now.
  11. DO help me stay grounded (when I’m pouring over “the numbers”), but also help me gain freedom (at my turtley pace except for when I’m a hare). Holding onto and speaking HOPE works great here.
  12. DON’T be afraid to tell me how much FUN you are having right now.
  13. DO take me into consideration when you act. You know, that whole “love your neighbor as yourself” thing.
  14. DON’T keep silent about how much you miss me. You can even cry. I might cry right back.
  15. DO be true to yourself. Let me be true to myself too.
  16. DON’T try to make me happy and put yourself in an uncomfortable position (see #13). It’s really okay to maintain your own boundaries, even if it’s super hard.
  17. DO feel free to change your mind, any time you want. The world is changing at break-neck speed. You just might have to as well. We both might.
    **17 is a weird number, so I will make it 18 (#noprimenumbers)**
  18. One final and big DO. DO pray for me. A lot. There’s this Presence with a big giant capital P “up there” who has us and knows us and holds us. Plus, it’s hard to pray for me and be against me at the same time. I like when we’re in this human race thing together, on the same side, helping each other out and all that good stuff.

YUP.

What I need from you.

But also what I hope to give you in return.

#fistbump #virtualhug #ADDYOUROWN

 

Posted in Faith, Family, Friendship, Health

I Pray Only…

Your heart, my friend, may be a little (or a lot) tender right now with all the constant change going on.

Today, I pray only kindness FOR you.

May all those you come in contact with act and speak kindly to you.

May unkind and critical mouths be shut so that discouragement has no voice.

May you see clearly all the ways you are shown kindness.

May every act of kindness satiate the empty and soothe the hurting spaces in your heart!

May all the kindness you receive overflow FROM you to others.

May you find ways to pass along this precious gift you have been given.

You won’t have to look very far.
It might even be that person who doesn’t deserve it.

Your kindness won’t be wasted.
That I know for sure.

From my heart to yours.

Posted in Friendship

Picking a Human

Today IS A BIG DAY. It marks the Dolly Mama “tell your friends how great they are” post. I can’t believe I haven’t done it sooner. I am a little embarrassed (and if you know me, that’s a load of hooey…I wouldn’t know embarrassment if it smacked me right in the behind).

I’m feeling a little snarky right now. Bear with me. I’m planning to be serious and sappy and smooshy and sentimental. I promise.

It is true. You really are GREAT! Like wearing a superhero cape GREAT! Like standing behind a mic and getting an award GREAT!

Some of you are GREAT because you don’t let me stay my “less than the true Esther Goetz” self. You believe in me. You encourage me. You kick me in that not-embarrassed behind when I need it. You believe in the best version of me and you build me up one brick at a time. I LOVE YOU AND NEED YOU.

Some of you are GREAT because you are my cheerleader. You sing your praises to my words-of-affirmation-is-my-happy-place heart. You root for me and would have poms poms shouting “Esther Goetz is ‘da bomb'” if I would let you (and I might). You make me feel like a champion. I LOVE YOU AND NEED YOU.

Some of you are GREAT because you love what I love. We can talk heady stuff like Christian doctrine or watch the NFL on a Sunday afternoon. We can eat ice cream or watch the Bachelor together (no judgment please) and laugh at the screen and ourselves (“Do we seriously watch this show?”). I LOVE YOU AND NEED YOU.

Some of you are GREAT because you are just “WITH ME.” You sit with me in the dark times. You laugh with me in the comedy that is my life. You stick with me when I’m screwing up. You talk me down off the ledge when I want to jump. You have no judgment for me (take note, you who judged my Bachelor watching). I tell you all my secrets. I LOVE YOU AND NEED YOU.

Some of you are GREAT because you make me feel connected to you in every way. You wave at me across a crowded room, save a seat for me, send me a birthday card, grab my hand when we are together, and remind me that we are “two peas in a pod.” I belong to you and you belong to me. I LOVE YOU AND NEED YOU.

Some of you are great because you are FUN. You make me belly laugh. You always have an adventure for us to go on! You are super okay with my snarky nature and “give it back” to me when I’m dishing it out! You’re not afraid to remind me about all that’s good! You give energy when this “Esthergizer Bunny” is about done. I LOVE YOU AND NEED YOU.

Some of you are GREAT because you open my mind and heart to new things. You don’t let me get stuck. You ask me great questions, challenging me to rethink the way I always have and help me to change “just a little bit” at a time (even though I might fight you in the moment). You make my view of life (and many times GOD HIMSELF) bigger! I LOVE YOU AND NEED YOU.

Some of you are GREAT because you are wise. You’re like the GPS of my life. You help me navigate all. the. things. with understanding, grace and kindness. You straight-up give me advice (even when I’m being stubborn and a know-it-all). My dreams matter to you and you help me to keeping working toward them. I LOVE YOU AND NEED YOU.

ALL OF YOU ARE GREAT because you love me. For who I am. Plain and simple. What more could I ever ask for or want from a friend? Nothing! Whether we text each other every day, talk to each other once every six months on the phone, are only able to connect on social media (like right here in this little corner of the internet), I count you forever as my GREAT friend, one that I will treasure in my heart until I take my last breath.

Okay people, my snarky voice has quieted and all is right in my very sappy world as I think of you and all that you mean to me! I love you, my GREAT friends!

From my heart to yours.

Friendship is so Weird*source for quote unknown*

Posted in Anxiety, Faith, Family, Friendship, Motherhood

Finding PEACE when we are FRAUGHT

FRAUGHT. Adj. (of a situation or course of action) filled with or likely to result in (something undesirable).
THIS IS OUR LIFE right now. NO clear answers, much less any that we like.
Should I send my kids to school in person, online or homeschool?
How should I respond if someone puts their hand out to shake mine?
How can I safely see my aging parents? Should I quarantine? For how long? What does that even mean?
What do I do at work when someone comes in without a mask on?
When should I plan that dentist visit?
How do I respond with my friends, online, on the news, with my family when other people are not making the same choices as me?
Should I have friends over? Inside? Where will they go to the bathroom?
Is it okay to serve at the soup kitchen? How close will I have to get to the other volunteers?
FRAUGHT.
YUP. We are FRAUGHT.
Whatever decision we make is likely to result in something undesirable.
So what are we to do to have PEACE in the middle of it all?
____________________________________
DISCLAIMER: I’m on the same struggle bus sitting 6 feet away from you with my mask on. We are here kind of socially-distanced together, high-fiving and cheering each other along on this bumpy, twisty ride.
____________________________________
Okay. Back to our regularly-scheduled programming.
I had one of these FRAUGHT-FILLED decisions just this weekend. I was officiating a small wedding and I suddenly remembered I was going to have to talk to people. The bride. The groom. The wedding coordinator. The parents. The little cute kids wandering around. I’d always done it with ease and now it was complicated. FRAUGHT!
Will they think I am rude? Should I stand six-feet away from them? What if someone is immunocompromised and I have no clue? What if they want me close to them?
I would love to tell you that I knew exactly what to do and how to do it and that I was super confident in my decisions ahead of time. HAHAHA. NOPE!
I reverted to all those things I normally do.
I asked my husband what to do.
I wrung my hands.
I called an officiant friend for his advice.
I freaked out a little inside.
But then, I had to get out of the car. I had to make my decisions. The wedding was upon me.
I put on my big girl pants (I mean dress in this case) and I did what I knew to be my own best practices.
  • JUST DO THE VERY NEXT THING. I am not in any kind of position to plan ahead because my world is changing at break-neck speed. Don’t add anything extra to my plate right now. Add my best version of LOVE into the mixture and trust it will be really okay in the end.
  • DIG DEEPER TO FIND OUT WHAT IS GOING ON BENEATH THE SURFACE. Is it fear? Is it bad boundaries? Is it people-pleasing? Is it comparison? Maybe it’s something good. Faith? Good boundaries? Being true to myself? Take a minute to listen.
  • WATCH HOW MY BODY RESPONDS TO EACH OPTION. Do I tense up or do I sigh with at least some measure of relief? Check myself again and again until I sense which direction my body is sending me.
  • SINK DOWN INSIDE OF MYSELF WHERE GOD DWELLS. He is filled wisdom and love, goodness and life, healing and hope and SO AM I. Trust my God-filled gut.
  • GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION TO CHANGE MY MIND. The decisions I make do not have power over me. I have power over them. There is not one right one choice and everything will go to “hell in a hand-basket” if I make the wrong one. Change is often a good thing. It means I am learning and growing.
Yes. I am FRAUGHT. I certainly was this weekend and will be again for the foreseeable future. So are you. We all are. It’s a perfect word for the times we are living in. NO GOOD OPTIONS.
But good options are not the dictator of whether we have PEACE. Peace comes from within, not from without. Nothing has the right to steal it away from us. NO ONE. NO THING.
We need PEACE so very desperately because it’s our GUIDE, our HOPE and FRIEND.
And it’s ours for the taking because, after all, the very Source of PEACE is with us and for us and around us and IN US.
IN US.
IN US.
So struggle-bus companions, let’s keep asking for and giving ourselves the gift of peace. The unexplainable, undeniable PEACE that is rightfully ours, if I may say so myself.

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Posted in Faith, Friendship, Health, Thanks

If You Only Knew…

If you only knew what I really believe about faith…

Would you still worship with me?

If you only knew how I voted in the last election…

Would you still respect me?

If you only knew what’s happening in my home right now…

Would you still confide in me?

If you only knew what’s happened in my past…

Would you still value me?

If you only knew the number on my scale…

Would you still have grace for me?

If you only knew my opinions about the issues facing our world…

Would you still like me?

If you only knew how I spent my money…

Would you still be my friend?

If you only knew what goes on in my mind…

Would you still trust me?


I hide.
I keep secrets.
I stay in my cage.
I show you a false version of me.
I protect my self at all costs.

ALL BECAUSE I WANT TO

belong to you.
be accepted by you.
be LOVED by you.

Jesus tenderly brings me out of hiding.
I have no secrets with Him.
He sets me free.
He allows the truest version of me.
He protects my REAL self at all costs.

I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT I

belong to Him
am accepted by Him
am LOVED by Him


I want to be Jesus with skin on FOR you.
I want the same FROM you.

Together, maybe we can show this Jesus to everyone else.

Oh may it be so.

 

 

Posted in Anxiety, Childhood, Faith, Friendship, Health, Thanks

Insomnia and SELAH

Good morning SELAH,
I loved seeing you yesterday, even though it was from a distance. I loved watching you play with our dog.  I loved hearing from your mom and dad about your hike in the meadow. I loved how we talked at the end about being “awake” together during the night.
Last night, I woke up a few times and just like I told you, I thought of you and prayed for you, that you wouldn’t be afraid like you’ve been the last few weeks.
But it was more than that and I want to tell you what happened.
When I woke up, I thought about the things that God is and then I thought about you.
The first thing I thought about is that GOD IS LOVE. He loves me. He loves you. But then I thought about you, your name. SELAH. I was told when I was about your age that when I saw that word in the Psalms, it meant, “pause and reflect.” So that’s what I did in the middle of the night.
I thought about God loving me and you and then I just laid there for a minute with your name: SELAH. I laid there and thought a little longer about how much God loves me and you. Paused and reflected.
The next thing I thought about is that GOD IS GOOD. He is good to me. He is good to you. Then I thought about your name again. SELAH. I laid there just another minute, pausing and reflecting.
The very last thing I thought about is that GOD IS WITH US. He is with me. He is with you. SELAH. I don’t think it was very long at all before I drifted back off to sleep.
I woke up a couple more times during the night and thought more about these three things. And YOU. Praying that God would help us to be able to rest and sleep and remember over and over and over again that He loves us. He is good to us. He is with us always.
SELAH, you are a beautiful young lady (I can’t believe you are only nine) and I am so grateful that I know you. I am so thankful that the name your mom and dad gave you helped me so much last night.
Tonight, if and when I wake up again, I’m going to be thinking about you and God and pausing and reflecting. SELAH.
If you wake up in the middle of the night this week (and I hope you don’t), remember that you are not alone and that I am “awake” with you, and God is taking care of us both.
Love,
Miss Esther
Posted in Childhood, Faith, Family, Friendship, Grandparenthood, Health, Marriage, Motherhood, Thanks

I LOVE PEOPLE

I LOVE PEOPLE.
This whole pandemic has made me love them more.
My head shakes in wonder at their CREATIVITY.  Father/daughter duets from their family room.  Healing poems. Whole choirs singing via Zoom. Art classes online. Entire educational systems and their staff STILL teaching the next generation. Faith communities having services in cars, online, complete with music, prayer and words of encouragement.
I LOVE PEOPLE.
My heart bursts at their KINDNESS. Masks for strangers. Pizza ordered for weary hospital staff. Phone calls to the elderly. Smiles and “thank yous” dispensed across lawns and continents. Lysol wipes distributed to friends.  Round-the-clock prayers on behalf of the suffering.  KINDNESS.
I LOVE PEOPLE.
My mind boggles at their sense of HUMOR. Silly memes on social media. Comedy shows streamed free. Toilet paper jokes at family dinners. Videos that almost make me pee my pants. Hope disguised as laughter, the best medicine to cheer our hearts. HUMOR.
I LOVE PEOPLE.
My ‘fraidy-cat-self marvels at their BRAVERY. Medical personnel on the front lines. Small business owners fighting for their workers. Relief workers serving the marginalized. Delivery people handling packages from who knows where. Struggling patients clinging to the hope of going home. BRAVERY.
I LOVE PEOPLE.
My soul is enraptured by their GENEROSITY. Neighbors dropping hand-sanitizer in each other’s mailboxes. Donations (small and great) to food pantries. Countries sending medical supplies to each other. Firemen creating birthday parades. Moms and dads forgoing much-needed sleep for confused littles. GENEROSITY.
I LOVE PEOPLE.
My “hope-to-be-like-them” is fascinated by their WISDOM. Leaders navigating the nuances between freedom and safety. Podcasts generated by grief experts. Produce stands quickly figuring out “curb-side pickup.” Online counseling sessions to work through mental health issues. Texts between friends with comforting words.  WISDOM.
I LOVE PEOPLE.
My entire being is captured by their LOVE. Creative date nights planned by spouses. Video “chats” between grandmas and toddlers. Grocery store runs for the fearful and the shut-in. Parents wrapping arms and hearts around sad school-lovers. Teenagers forgoing freedom to protect the vulnerable. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.
HAVE I SAID HOW MUCH I LOVE PEOPLE? I LOVE US.
We aren’t perfect and we are making lots of mistakes as we hobble down a path we’ve never encountered before, but I think we are doing just fine. We are learning and growing together in ways that will make us more CREATIVE, KINDER, FUNNIER, BRAVER, more GENEROUS, WISER, and better able to LOVE than ever before.
Hang in there, my friends! I’m hanging with you. We have GREAT HOPE!