Tag: flourish

Posted in Faith, Mental Health, Word of the Year

Calling a Truce with Self-Care

Posted on by Esther Goetz

“Beloved one, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you physically, just as your soul is getting along well.” (III John 2)

For the past seven weeks, my body and I have been in a fight!  The “conversation” has been going something like this:

BODY:  “Hey!  Can you help me?!  I’m not okay.”

ME:  “Pipe down!  You are messing things up!  I have a lot going on!  You need to get your act together!”

BODY:  “HHHEEELLLPP!  I’m not doing very well.  Can you please take care of me!?”

ME:  “I am not happy about this!  You are supposed to help me live my very important life!  You’re just being a loud-mouthed, trouble-maker!  I have people to see, places to go, things to do.  You are not being very nice at all!”

The battle goes on and on!  UNTIL…

MONDAY.

When I decided to wave my white surrender flag.  Call a truce.

******************************************************

I am normally a very healthy, rarely-sick human being.  (Confession:  I’m a little proud of that fact.)  I’m a minimalist when it comes to taking care of myself.

Most mornings go something like this:  hair in a ponytail, minimal eye makeup on, teeth brushed (sometimes), and super simple pull-on clothes and slip-on shoes.  Top that off with nothing physical “going wrong” and I am able to get out of the house in about seven minutes flat from the time I wake up.  I don’t even know if I look in the mirror again until I am brushing my teeth at night before bed (I do that for the most part unless I fall asleep watching a movie with Allen – I cannot go horizontal on our couch after 8:00 pm or I never make it past the first 15 minutes).

I get amazed at those of you who spend lots of time plucking your eyebrows, carefully applying makeup, diligently flossing, shining your shoes and choosing just the perfect outfit.  (Confession:  I secretly wish to be you and often wonder why I don’t take care of myself better.)  It’s been a lifetime battle to do any of those things, one I have asked God about quite a bit (I’ve never plucked my eyebrows)!  Sometimes, I wonder if it’s because I’m a third-culture kid or if it’s just me.  Probably a little bit of both.

I guess God heard my plea and decided the age of 53 was a good time for me to practice what I preach.  “TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF (and your stuff)!!” is one of my big mom mantras!  I’ve shouted it from the top of the stairs, the front of the car, the texts on my phone and here on this blog!  I know in my head it’s the right thing to do.  But living this out day-to-day-to-day-to-day is another.

Having a body is tons of work.  I have to get up, go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, floss, take a shower, primp, eat, take vitamins, exercise, drink, sleep and then do it all over again.  The amount of energy and time my body needs to keep on ticking borders on ridiculous (at least according to this underachiever).  It’s a lot of my day.  Add in some (ahem) parts screaming at me for lack of care and my day feels consumed.

I am not lost on the irony in all of this.  My Word of the Year is “shalom,” which means true human flourishing (BODY INCLUDED)!  I spend lots of my time and energy on other flourishing (mental, emotional, spiritual), but my body gets neglected.  Not a good “look”(pun intended) on this Dolly Mama.

***************************************************

The “conversation” (I mean fight) continues even after I decide to wave the white flag:

ME:  What am I supposed to do when you take so much time just to look presentable, much less not as old as you are?  And now you are really making a fuss!

BODY (Shouting back!):  Hey!  I’m genuinely important.  I house the “real you.”  When I’m not working right, the “real you” suffers (as you’ve now noticed).

ME:  But… But… my time could be spent better doing something of more value like making my dreams a reality, writing this blog (for all of my amazing and wonderful and lovely readers), spending time with my family and working towards my goals!

BODY (more gently):  You have friends who are really struggling right now with their own version of me.  You’ve even had a taste of this these past seven weeks.  It’s really really hard!  So, my sweet caregiver, would you mind sending me a little love?

(Somehow, in the middle of this, GOD pipes into the “conversation.”)

GOD:  Esther, my Esther, give a little listen to Me just for a moment.  I love bodies.  I love yours.  They are so very important to me!  I came in one after all.

ME:  Okay.  Okay.  You’ve got my attention (at least for a minute).

GOD:  I used My body to communicate My love for you in the most tangible way.  I wanted to know what it was like to be you, right down to your gall bladder and your toenails.  I couldn’t have done this FULLY any other way.   I’ve given you your body to enjoy all the wonder and beauty I have for you right here and right now!

ME (defensiveness diminishing):  So true!  So true!  I hear you.

BODY:  Just remember, supposedly “wise” Dolly Mama, the ways I am working to make God’s dream for you to know pleasure and His love for you in all their fullness come true!

  • My eyes provide the way for you to see your precious grandson’s smile and the gorgeous sunset over the water in LBI.

  • My ears are for you to hear the “I love you Mom” on the phone from one of your kids and the spring peepers as they call out to each other in your yard.

  • My nose brings the joy of a Mother’s Day lilac and an early-June peony and the delicious smell of chocolate chip cookies baking.

  • My tongue tastes a hot cup of tea IMG_1578(with all your favorite sugar and light cream) and gives a way for you to experience the pleasure of a stuffed cabbage and perogie from S&D Polish Deli in the Strip District!
  • My skin helps you to receive the loving touch of Allen and the feel of the fuzzy blanket on a cold winter day.

I allow your soul to wonder, your mind to grow and your heart to love!  Don’t forget your Word of the Year when it comes to me!  Shalom, my dear Dolly Mama!

ME:  Okay.  I give in.  You win, my precious body!  Thanks for all you are and do!  It feels so good to have called a truce for the moment!  Keep fighting back when this “conversation” keeps happening (as we all know it will again and again and again)!  Please be patient with me in the process!  I’m a little pig-headed and a have a long way to go!

BODY:  I’ll keep an “eye” on you!  I’ll be cheering for you when you reach for your toothbrush, your eye patch, your mouth rinse, your vitamins, your pillow and all the small, but very kind ways you are taking care of me and reminding me how valuable I am!  When you floss tonight, don’t forget to clean out all those crevices with a vengeance!  WOO HOO!  You’ve got this!

“Now may the Lord of shalom Himself give you shalom always in all ways.” (2 Thessalonians 3:16)

***************************************************

Are you a self-care amateur or guru?  Would love to know!  Comment out on social media or here if you’d like!!  Also, if you sign up to receive my email, I have a special gift for you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Anxiety, Charity, Faith, Mental Health, Word of the Year

Shattered Shalom (restoring it…in my home and in our world)

Posted on by Esther Goetz

“True peace is not merely the absence of tension; it is the presence of justice.”  (Martin Luther King, Jr.)

If you asked me even five months ago what I thought peace meant, I summed it up as “the absence of conflict.”  In fact, a quick search on Google backed me up on this. My husband also cheered this idea in spades.  He loves an atmosphere where everyone gets along (how one Facebook friend defined it), especially us.  It’s like heaven to him.  Having a house with four very unique and spirited children did not lend itself to this.  The constant conflict and fighting sent us to our beds exhausted many nights.  I would mutter to myself (and sometimes scream loudly to my kids which, if you take a second, is pretty ironic), “Just a few moments of peace is all I’m asking!!  Is it too much?”  I know I don’t have to talk any further without a bunch of nods of the head, muttered “mm-hmms” and loud “AMENS!”

Whether it’s the constant arguing of politicians and political analysts on “news” shows, gut-wrenching war across our world, bickering among children or family members over the latest “who-knows-what,” co-workers disagreeing over how a project needs to be done, or late-into-the-night discord (or should I say straight-up fights) among spouses, it is just plain tiring.  No wonder we want some peace.  Some quiet.  Some “everyone-just-get- along-please” moments.  We are saturated with it all day long.

YES, THAT IS MY SON AND HIS SOCCER TEAM AT HIS SENIOR PASTA PARTY!

Sorry for the diversion.  Back to the blog post.  I think you understand my point.

ALL.

DAY.

LONG.

To combat it and try to find some measure of inner calm, I find myself doing one of four things:  fighting, running, avoiding, or just standing there with a blank stare not knowing what to do next.  This is the natural response from our human bodies when we feel threatened and overwhelmed.  It’s our “lizard brain” (as I like to refer to the amygdala) doing what it can in the moment when the adrenaline rush takes over to protect us.  Psychologists refer to these responses as fight, flight, faint or freeze.

As I very feisty and passionate individual, I naturally gravitate to fighting.  As we all know, this does nothing to help.  It escalates the issue and then the whole house is in an uproar, hurt and angry.  It becomes a mess.  Allen, on the other hand, is drawn toward fleeing.  He shuts down, gets quiet and goes into another room.  Our kids vary on the spectrum, with some fighting, some getting quiet, some going to their room to watch TV or sleep, and some utterly dumb-founded, not knowing what to do.  It makes for a little bit of a “not-so-peaceful” house.

ENTER COUNSELING and the beginning of understanding that although, in the moment, those responses are normal, they don’t restore harmony.  We are working from brokenness not health.

ENTER BOOK, As We Forgive (Stories of Reconciliation from Rwanda) by Catherine Clare Larson, suggested to us by our group leader before we head to this beautiful country to dig a well in September (HUGE SHOUT OUT AND MUST READ).

ENTER VACATION with family members (nine people plus baby for seven days).  Arguments and behavior patterns and all that good stuff.  (You know what I mean?!)  I figured out that nine people make up 36 different relationships.   That’s enough to start a war.

RE-ENTER BOOK.  Reminder that all of the above are really just shattered shalom (the fancy Hebrew word for peace).

I have always believed that shalom had the same meaning of peace that I had in my head.  Come to find out I am missing something.  A huge thing.  And it just might really make the difference in my own little world with my own little group of people.  But it also might make the difference in our huge world with all the groups of people (like seven billion and counting much to my son’s chagrin as he’s a little paranoid about over-population).

So what is it?  What is this shalom?

SHALOM IS NOT DEFINED BY ABSENCE.  Instead, it encompasses the PRESENCE of true human flourishing (my friend’s Word of the Year):  socially, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  Larson reminds me that it is “ultimate harmony.”   Shalom speaks of fullness, completeness and wholeness, hardly the absence of anything, except perhaps division (as another Facebook friend reminded me).  In Ancient Israel (where the word comes from), when a crime was committed, the central point was not on the outer (the broken law and restoration of order), but rather on the inner (broken shalom and restoration of peace) for all involved:  victim, community and even offender.  It was important that ALL would flourish, all would be brought back to wholeness.

As I stated above, our human body responds to conflict in one of four ways:  fight, flight, faint or freeze.  We are naturally drawn to one of those responses when it comes to personal conflict.  However, somewhere among attacking, running away, avoiding and becoming paralyzed lies a completely different way, one that is more difficult, but offers much in the restoration of this fuller peace, or shalom.  In fact, sometimes conflict and disagreement are required to achieve it.

Really?!?

In the flight, faint or freeze responses, the focus is on “ME.”  I am looking for what’s easy, convenient and non-threatening.  Protecting myself becomes the highest priority.  However, in the fight response the focus is on “YOU,” blaming you and expecting you to solve my problem or my pain.  Again, protecting myself becomes the highest priority.  The peace-making, shalom-restoring response shifts to “US.”   The restoration of the relationship and the flourishing of ourselves and the other becomes the highest priority.  Wholeness, fullness and completeness come to the forefront.  Conflict happens and disagreements occur, but the relationship is not threatened.  In fact, clashes and variance might just provide the avenue for greater wholeness than without them.  The move from YOU vs. ME to US changes everything.

For this girl who tends to blame others and fight, this is really BIG.  A huge change of thought.  And practice.  It’s not enough for me to “not have fighting,” the absence of conflict.  I want more.  I want wholeness and healing and true flourishing.  In every area of my life.  For me and for you.  When I think about Jesus, the “Prince of Peace (guess what the Hebrew word is there),” this makes more sense now than ever.  He doesn’t just want “quiet” for me.  He wants shalom.  He wants me to flourish.  He wants the same for you.  And he wants the same for our world.   Here’s to restoring it more and more every moment and every day.  I hope to start right now.

 

Thank you again for reading all the way to the bottom.  WOW!  Please like this here and especially out on social media if you can!  Comment here or there as well.  It means the world to me!