The Dolly Mama

Celebration, Childhood, Family, Friendship, Motherhood, Thanks

Dear Daughters,

Posted on July 9, 2020July 9, 2020 by Esther Goetz

Spending this past week with you two beautiful women was the highlight of my 2020 so far. (I know that’s not saying much, but bear with me…winky face!)

I couldn’t ask for better daughters than you. I actually couldn’t ask for better people in my life than you.

You are all that I hoped you would be and so much more than I could have ever imagined. You breathe beauty and hope and strength and faith and life into me.

You have done for this ONE mama what I long to do for everyone. You have shown me that all it takes is ONE breath of GOODNESS at a time to infuse LIFE into another.

You breathe BEAUTY (not just the outward kind even though sometimes just glancing at you catches me off guard and I am dumbstruck). You each see the world through eyes that find the small things glorious, like the sand between your toes or rainbow-sprinkled ice cream on your tongue. You spend your days creating what’s lovely for my hungry eyes and ears. THANK YOU!

You breathe HOPE. Your zeal for making the world a place where there is “liberty and justice for ALL” (and that really means ALL) makes this mama heart do a happy dance. You adamantly believe that it starts with you and you are more than willing to figure out how to make it happen so that it ripples out into this broken and hurting world. WOW!

You breathe STRENGTH. Watching the two of you discuss really hard things from political reform to gender roles to spirituality to personal responsibility made me wish I could grow up in the beautiful world you envision. You do NOT shy away or disengage, but listen intently and respond with bold conviction. You are strong, my daughters and I am so PROUD.

You breathe FAITH. In a world where many of us (your mama included at times) seems to have lost its way, you continue to believe and trust. You believe and trust your ever-evolving selves (woohoo). You continue to see the best in others and take joy in loving them right where they are, walking alongside of them in humility and grace. The two of you have an unwavering anchor for your souls in the good God that is at the root of all that’s right and true and wonderful. My socks are officially KNOCKED off!

You breathe LIFE. Life in the form of a good morning hug and quick “I love you.” Life in the form of washing the dishes and saying “Take a break, Mom.” Life in the form of abundant grace given when I falter and even fail. Life in the form of laughter over game-playing competitiveness. Life in the form of your sweaty yoga duet on the deck. Life in the form of heart-to-heart discussions about our individual and collective fears, hopes and dreams. Soul-filling LIFE.

So dearest ones, my beautiful girls, two of my closest friends, I salute you. I believe in you. I trust you. I am thankful for you from the tippy-top of my noggin’ to the very ends of my toes to the deepest space in my heart. I stand in awe of you.

But mostly and always, I LOVE YOU.

Your ONE Dolly Mama

P.S. I am now over here in the most beautiful and sacred puddle of good tears. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

P.P.S. You are rocking my ONE world, your world, THE world. You go my girls!!

Faith, Health, Uncategorized

There is a Battle that Rages

Posted on July 6, 2020July 5, 2020 by Esther Goetz

There is a battle that rages inside of me.

It’s in every decision.

It’s in every moment.

It’s in every relationship.

It’s the never-ending clash of freedom and safety.

Will I fall if my dad takes off my training wheels?
Should I try out for the part in the school play?
What will happen if I ask that boy to the dance?
What should I major in?
Should I send that follow-up email to my coworker about the missing information?
What will my friends think if I take a break from traditional church?
Should I let my kids ride their bike to the neighbor’s house?
Can I tell my spouse about my overwhelming fear?
Should I quit my good-paying job and follow my life-long dream?
Is it too late for me to _____________?

SO MANY QUESTIONS.
All followed up by the three more questions.

Will this keep me safe?
Will this make me free?
Which is more important?

Much of the time, I choose safety at all costs.
What does it really do for me? What does freedom do?

Here are my humble findings so far.

SAFETY swallows me up.
It says, “Do what’s easiest, no matter the cost.”
It keeps the real me at bay, playing “nicey-nice,” telling me over and over again that “I’m fine” is the answer every morning, no matter if it’s remotely true or horribly false.

FREEDOM releases me.
It says, “The choice is yours to make.”
It calls the authentic me to come out to play, reminding me that any answer I give in the morning is good as long as it’s true.

SAFETY keeps me small.
It says, “You just shouldn’t.”
It prevents me from feeling it ALL, tells me I am only allowed to feel SOME and I need to do whatever it takes to get the HAPPY and stuff down the HARD.

FREEDOM enlarges me.
It says, “You can.”
It allows me feel ALL of it, from the angry to the anxious, from the sappy to the happy, from the painful to the pleasant. ALL. OF. IT. Nothing is too much or too hard or too this or too that.

SAFETY says protection is my end goal.
It says, “Don’t let anything bad happen E.V.E.R.”
It stomps out the beautiful possibilities of wonder and ensuing joy and leaves me lifeless and hopeless.

FREEDOM says I am designed for fullness.
It says, “Your adventure is waiting. Dive right on in.”
It opens me to grandeur, summons me to imagination, bids me to beauty and leaves me wholly alive and able to dream.

SAFETY shuts others out.
It says, “You will be hurt and it will be terrible, 99.9% guaranteed.”
It perpetuates disengagement and sometimes shouts a loud or whispers a soft “NO!” to any kind of closeness. It leaves me lonely and loveless.

FREEDOM invites others in.
It says, “You will be hurt, but it will be worth every teardrop, 99.9% guaranteed.”
It welcomes vulnerability, openness, intimacy, and gives room for my most basic human need to be fully-known and fully-loved. I feel my own long sigh exhaling, “Aaahhh! YES!”

SAFETY downright enslaves me.
It says “Don’t you dare.”
It dictates decisions that lead to an endless and fruitless attempt to control my world, my husband, my kids, my friends, my self.

FREEDOM grants me permission to really LIVE.
It says, “I triple-dog dare you!”
It urges me to ask myself the scary question: what is the truest, most beautiful life that you can imagine?* It doesn’t stop there. It implores me to then actually answer and act on that question.

There is a battle that rages inside of me.

It’s in every decision.

It’s in every moment.

It’s in every relationship.

Which might win today? Tomorrow? Next week?

I don’t know for sure.

But which will ultimately win in the end?

I know. I know. I really know.

FREEDOM! FREEDOM!

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free!” Galatians 5:1

—————————————————————————-

*asked by Glennon Doyle in the book Unashamed.

Faith, Family, Motherhood, Thanks

It’s 1 am (Hope for Motherhood)

Posted on July 1, 2020 by Esther Goetz

It’s 1 am.
My five-month old cries out from her crib.
Not another night of this!
It’s been three weeks since I’ve had more than 3 hours of sleep in a row.
God, HELP me! HELP them!
I am barely functioning anymore, bags under my eyes the size of grapes!
I don’t think I can take it anymore!
I am SO done!

It’s 1 am.
My kindergartener screams from his room.
Why does this keep happening?
The nightmares are getting worse!
God, HELP me! HELP them!
Am I doing something wrong?
I don’t have any idea what to do!
I am SO done!

It’s 1 am.
My 10-year old shouts “MOMMY!” at the top of his lungs.
His jammy bottoms are soaked.
He’s wet the bed again.
God, HELP me! HELP them!
I’ve already called the doctor five times.
Nothing is working!
I am SO done!

It’s 1 am.
I haven’t heard from my new driver’s license holder since 7 pm.
Her curfew is 11 pm. She knows better than this!
Is she hurt? Is she drunk? Is she alive?
God, HELP me! HELP them!
I never knew this mom gig would be SO hard!
Will I ever get sleep? Will I ever stop worrying?
I am SO done!

It’s 1 am.
My cell phone vibrates on the nightstand. I ignore it.
It’s vibrates again and again. I finally pick it up. Hello?
The campus security guard is on the other end. My daughter was found passed out on the sidewalk, having had WAY too much to drink.
God, HELP me! HELP them!
This is un(freaking)believable! She will be the death of me!
What in the world am I supposed to do now?
I am SO done!

It’s 1 am.
My eyes refuse to close in sleep.
My son has been furloughed from his job.
This pandemic is wrecking everything. He was doing so well and now this!!!
God, HELP me! HELP them!
What is going to happen?
Even if he gets his sales back, will any business have the money to buy advertising? UGH!
I am SO done!

It’s 1 am.
I lay awake on my bed.
I can’t believe the text I got from my son this afternoon.
I burst into tears as I read it, gratitude bubbling up and leaking out!
GOD, you’ve HELPED me! You’ve HELPED them!
It keeps happening! Every single time!
You love him even more than I do! You are our great and only HOPE!
I am SO UNDONE!

Anxiety, Faith

Trust the Ripple

Posted on June 24, 2020 by Esther Goetz

Social media altercations.
The confusion over COVID.
Systemic racism.
Riots and looting.
Unkind political rants.

I just want it all to STOP. STOP. STOP.

It’s too much for me.

WAY TOO MUCH.

One minute, I want to crawl into my bed and pull the covers over my head. Wake up when this is all over.

The next, I have visions of marching in my very own one-person protest with a big bold sign that screams and shouts, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? (and ME for that matter)?”

Fifteen minutes later, I feel the forceful drive to “get the heck out of here!” The colonization of Mars sounds pretty good about now!

After an hour, I’m sitting on the couch, binging my latest show, eating popcorn until my belly fights back.

It’s all WAY TOO MUCH.

I so desperately want peace and love and hope and harmony and unity.

I want LOVE and GOODNESS to beat back the forces that harm.

I cry out to God in the middle of it all.

What am I to do? What am I to do? I can’t fix this.

It’s all WAY TOO MUCH.

Covers?

March?

Mars?

Popcorn?

PLEASE! It’s all I have.

Not true, God reminds me. Not true at all.

You have ONE DROP of GOODNESS. ONE DROP.

You can pop a comment on social media that encourages someone, reminding them they are not alone.

You can go to the local hardware store and buy that lightbulb. You can wear a mask (even if you have no idea whether or not it really works).

You can call your black friend and have an uncomfortable conversation, listening to the pain that they’ve shoved down for much of their life.

You can pray for the looter and the looted, asking Me to do what I do best: reconcile and redeem.

You can vote, mailing that ballot today.

But mostly, you can remind yourself that I am behind every single and seemingly insignificant DROP OF GOODNESS.

I can and will expand it beyond measure so that the world is changed for the better forever by that ONE DROP OF GOODNESS.

Trust ME and TRUST THE RIPPLE!

Celebration, Childhood, Family, Guest

The Top 10 Things I Learned As a Dad (from three of the best)

Posted on June 21, 2020June 21, 2020 by Esther Goetz

(I asked three of my favorite dads…including my awesome husband…what they learned from being a dad. Here are their responses. They are brilliant.)

Not to judge other parents. I haven’t walked in their shoes. We all need grace. It’s the hardest job there is.
To admit my mistakes and to be the first to apologize to my kids when we conflict.
To make the relationship and not the rules the priority. To focus on their heart and not their behavior.
To listen more and lecture less.
That how I live counts much more than what I say.
That boundaries are key and that knowing how to manage boundaries (set, maintain, relax, alter, scrap, reinforce) is ridiculously complicated and confusing.
That I lack patience and am not long-suffering.
That it’s really hard to keep loving your kids when they are obnoxious.
The mistakes I made as a dad can be redeemed as I grow and change.
What it’s like to love unconditionally. Period. End of story. No matter what they did, I would love them. It helped me understand God’s unfailing love for me.

(Credit to Glenn Murphy, Allen Goetz and Frank Ellerbusch…Happy Father’s Day to you!)

Anxiety, Faith, Family, Grief, Health, Marriage, Motherhood

Which Voice Am I Listening To?

Posted on June 18, 2020 by Esther Goetz

WHICH VOICE AM I LISTENING TO?

Inner Critic: “You cannot stay on a workout regimen save your life.”

Inner Cheerleader: “Start with 15 minutes again tomorrow. You’ve done it before . You can do it again. ”

Inner Critic: “Your friends are probably so angry with you because you are not checking in with them as much as you used to. It’s your fault if they don’t stick around.”

Inner Cheerleader: “You have had to narrow down how much you are pouring out into people for your own well-being. You’ve done that so that you can be a better friend.”

Inner Critic: “You should NOT spend so much at the grocery store. You need to stick to a list.”

Inner Cheerleader: “It costs just a bit more to eat healthy, which has been a goal for you and your family. Keep up the good work!”

Inner Critic: “I can’t believe you are so racist?”

Inner Cheerleader: “You are learning to listen to those who are not like you. You will grow and change. You always have.”

Inner Critic: “Why do you tell people you have a good marriage? You just had another fight with your husband.”

Inner Cheerleader: “Look how far you have come from the early days. You’ve seen how sometimes conflict brings closeness. You have helped so many other couples because you can admit you struggle too.”

Inner Critic: “You will never get to those boxes in the basement that need to be organized.”

Inner Cheerleader: “You have been sorting through many things in your life, not all of them visible to the outside world. You will get to it when you are ready.”

Inner Critic: “You know that cookie you ate? You blew it again.”

Inner Cheerleader: “You know that cookie you ate? Good for you for showing yourself it’s not about perfection, but about grace.”

Inner Critic: “You didn’t set good boundaries again with your kids. When will you get this right?”

Inner Cheerleader: “Being a mom is a hard job, no matter how old your kids are. Boundaries are tricky and complicated and you are really doing what you think is right in each different situation. Also, you are really good at saying you are sorry when you blow it.”

Inner Critic: “Why do you even bother to give advice? To share your heart? To try to make a difference?”

Inner Cheerleader: “You don’t do it because you have it all together. You do it because you are broken too and it’s in this broken place that we all heal each other.”

WHICH VOICE HEAPS SHAME AND DESTROYS?
WHICH VOICE WHISPERS GRACE AND BRINGS HEALING?

WHICH VOICE AM I LISTENING TO?

Celebration, Childhood, Family, Grandparenthood, Motherhood, Thanks

I Can’t Believe This is My Life

Posted on June 16, 2020June 16, 2020 by Esther Goetz

Baby showers. Hospital rooms. 24-hour deliveries. No sleep. Leaky nursing bra. Baby giggles. Blurry mind. Toothless smiles. Crawling under the crib in the middle of the night for the pacifier. Yellow poop up the back.