Posted in Faith, Family, Grief, Motherhood, Uncategorized

Two Babies

I wasn’t good at listening to pain in those early mom years.
I was good at getting things done.
I wasn’t good at facing loss in those early mom years.
I was good at never looking back.
I wasn’t good at sitting in grief in those early mom years.
I was good at looking at the “bright side.”
I lost two babies in the middle of all the other pregnancies that bore children and never skipped a beat. I got things done. I never looked back. I looked at the “bright side.”
This morning, as the reality of moving away from our family home in just a few short days, along with my grown-up children sleeping in homes far away,
I choose to skip a beat.
I choose to listen to my pain. I choose to not get things done. I choose to remember those babies whose names I will never know, who didn’t get to live in our family home and who are not now sleeping in homes far away.
I choose to face my loss. I choose to look back. I lost those babies. I am losing my home. I am losing my heavy-duty, active mom years.
I choose to sit right here for at least a few minutes with this gentle friend called grief. I choose to look at the shadow side. Those two precious souls who live with Jesus in heaven makes this mama heart sad. The truth that I will never sit around my beat-up kitchen table again with my kids makes me sad. The memories of little ones clutching my pant legs and teenagers sleepily coming down the stairs on Christmas morning makes me sad.
I choose to not rush to joy this morning. It’s really good in this place.
Posted in Faith, Health, Sabbath

Giving Up Normal (Part One)

***I’M THE GUEST ON THE “GIVING UP NORMAL” PODCAST…20 MINUTES…DON’T MISS IT***

Are you a workaholic? Are you constantly on the go? Do you have very little space and margin in your life? Do you struggle to stop? You are not alone. Many of us are living 24/7. We live in a constant state of doing and producing and we can feel it as it impacts us physically, emotionally and spiritually. The 24/7 life puts us in a danger zone that can lead to burnout and is not the way God created us to be.

In today’s episodes, Jen talks with writer, podcaster and leader Esther Goetz as she shares her own journey of being forced to stop the 24/7 life and embrace the gift of sabbath by living 24/6.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN!

 

Posted in Charity, Faith, Family, Friendship, Thanks

LOVE is Still Winning

It can feel like HATE is winning.  Fear creeps into our skin and buries deep within us, tearing our souls in shreds.  Despair tangles her knots around our spirits, attempting to blow out the tiny flickers of hope we carry inside.

Hate is NOT winning.  It will never win.

LOVE is winning.  LOVE will always win.

LOVE WINS WHEN A…

…mommy and daddy hold their newborn and shout, “We are so in love!” on social media and then take 1,345,428 pictures for the next year.

…married couple look deep into each other’s hurting eyes and say, “We will fight for each other.  Let’s go to a counselor.”

…toddler giggles at the sight of their aunt coming in the door, arms filled with gifts that only she can get away with giving.

…friend texts in the middle of the day and says, “I’m here.  Call me day or night.”

…teacher pulls her “spicy” student aside, and says, “I believe in you.”

…top executive makes his way to an inner city soup kitchen on a Friday night in the pouring rain.

…garbage collector rings your doorbell to remind you it’s Tuesday because your trash cans are still in your garage and then waits until you go running downing the driveway in your jammies with said cans flailing behind (#personalstory)

…gangly middle-schooler takes a risk to befriend the new kid who moved into the neighborhood.

…hospice worker cares tirelessly, going many extra miles, for the victim of a dreaded disease.

…person on the “other side” shares these words, “I hear you.  I see your point of view.”

…boss reminds a new and confused worker that failure is part of eventual success.

…grandpa plays “peek-a-boo” for the 48th time in the last 10 minutes.

…customer in the grocery store line steps aside and says, “Go ahead of me.”

…Savior sends a gorgeous rainbow to remind us of his promise never to leave us or forsake us.

…mechanic takes the time to help a stranger in need in the middle of Kansas on a cross-country trek (#anotherpersonalstory CLICK HERE)

…victim chooses forgiveness over revenge

…knowing smile that says, “me too,” sneaks to the lips of a stranger across the room.

…doctor takes the extra minute in the room and says, “I’m here to help.  You will not fight this alone.”

…roommate utters the precious words, “I’ll do the dishes tonight.”

Overwhelming peace quiets our desperate souls.  Hope is lit brightly again far down in our fledgling spirits.

It’s everywhere.  It’s all the time.

LOVE is winning.  LOVE will always win.

 

Posted in Faith, Sabbath

Oh the Deep Deep Love of Jesus

I am overwhelmed by the deep deep love of Jesus this morning.

It’s the kind of overwhelmed where tears have reached my eyes and I cannot prevent them from leaking out.

It’s the kind of overwhelmed where these salty drops running down my cheeks are a very GOOD thing.

I share this two-minute song this morning.  Soak in the love of Jesus.  Rest right there.  There’s nothing better in the world to do.

From my heart to yours,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vUhwyjdk8A

Posted in Family, Motherhood

Sometimes We Just Need to Be the Mom

Sometimes we just need to be the mom.

Not the teacher who makes sure they have all their facts straight.

Not the coach who makes sure they have all their moves right.

Not the pastor who makes sure they have all their acts together. 

Not the mouth that speaks, but  the ears that hear and arms that hold.

Sometimes we just need to be the mom.

 

 

 

Posted in Faith, Family, Marriage, Motherhood

This Felt Almost Creepy

This felt almost creepy when I checked my TimeHop earlier this week.

I dug deep inside my cerebellum, to no avail, trying to recall what was going on 10 years ago to make me write this (especially as a Facebook status).

My kids were 17, 16, 13 and 9 at the time. My husband was working in New York City, commuting about three hours a day. Enough said. I needed a lot of trusting God.

I still do.

Some days, I march into the beautiful mess of my life, fully alive and filled with hope and peace. Trusting God comes almost eerily easy.

Other days, I wake up with my heart racing. Getting out of bed and facing the challenges in front of me seems daunting. Trusting God feels impossible.

This little reminder (thank you technology) stopped me in my mental tracks. WOW! God was worth trusting for the last 10 years. I am living proof.

He’s shown up in ways unimaginable then. He’s guided and guarded our family (through our own crappy choices and circumstances). He’s walked beside me, holding me in the darkness and cheering me on in the light. He’s been worth trusting.

Today, my kids are 27, 26, 23 and 19 and live in four different cities. There’s now a son-in-law and toddler in the mix. My husband works in Pittsburgh, commuting on an airplane three days a week. Enough said. I need a lot of trusting God.

So TimeHop, I know 10 years from now, this post is going to come up on my screen (or whatever we have then). Another gentle reminder to keep trusting God for the next 10…

(yikes, I will be 63)!

Posted in Faith, Friendship

I want to be the woman…

I want to be the woman who…

always has room for you at my lunch table.

throws you a life preserver instead of a dagger.

makes room for your pain in my own faltering space.

I want to be the woman who…

cheers you on and does not cut you down.

hears you and tenderly holds you.

wants to be kind more than I want to be right.

I want to be the woman who…

waves at you across the room and invites you into my world.

knows when you need words and when you need quiet.

beckons you toward the Author of peace and not the enemy of fear.

I want to be the woman who…

doubles your joy and divides your grief.

walks a mile in your shoes before ever speaking a word.

never forgets to remind you of the gift that you are.

I want to be the woman who…

opens up my heart fully and freely, never afraid to ask you for help.

walks beside you, holding your hand with every stammering step.

generously speaks HOPE into the bones of your beautiful and sacred soul!

I want to be the woman who loves.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Family, Motherhood

TEN MOM QUESTIONS I AM DEFINITELY ASKING GOD WHEN I SEE HIM 🤣

I have a little beef with the Creator of the Universe (even though I secretly know He’s smarter than me)!  27 1/2 years of  “why?” “huh?”  “why not?”  swirling around in my parental cerebrum.  It feels good to finally get it out on “paper.”  Don’t stress.  It’s all in good fun!

 

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ADD YOUR OWN!  You’ve got something swirling around!

 

 

Posted in Family, Grandparenthood, Grief, Marriage, Motherhood

I Want to Numb It!

I want to watch Law and Order.

I want to eat coconut almond joy ice cream.

I want to wash every sheet and towel in the house.

I want to take a nap.

I WANT TO NUMB IT.

I don’t want to sit with the sadness of saying goodbye to the summer.

I don’t want to sit with the sadness of saying goodbye to my husband and children and their loves.

I don’t want to sit with the sadness of saying goodbye to the squeals of laughter from my most adorable grandson.

I don’t want to sit with the sadness of saying goodbye to the fireworks, the sandy flip flops, the bike rides and eating pizza without guilt.

BUT I WILL.

I won’t watch Law and Order at least until later tonight.

I won’t eat ice cream until tomorrow.

might wash some of the sheets and towels, but not all of them. 

I will stay awake, sit on the porch and make friends with this place I find myself in.   I am sad and that’s EXACTLY where I am supposed to be.

I am also strangely okay.

Front porch, summer’s end, here I come.

“A time to laugh.  A time to weep.”  (Solomon)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Anxiety, Faith, Grief

What Do I Really Need Today? (and maybe you do too)

As I lie here this very normal Thursday morning, my body and mind and heart are somewhat anxious, so I spend some time talking to God.

The old, ugly, harsh, “principal’s office” God begins his normal barrage: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  Can’t you get your act together?   UGH.

I quickly step in and remind myself that this voice is not God, it’s the voices of discouragement and shame, enemies of my soul.

In its place, a tender voice speaks gently:  what is wrong with you?  what do you need?

I start bantering with this lover of my soul, and quite the conversation ensues.

***********************************************

I need Jared to start making money at this job he is working so hard at selling insurance.

 Actually, you need My wisdom to know how much to help or not help.

I need our house to sell (and especially for this fledgling contract to be signed).  This one is huge right now.  It’s causing lots of underlying stress on our finances, our marriage, our very bodies. 

Actually, you need a settledness of soul in the waiting, an abiding trust in Me.  I care and I know.

I need Rachel to make a friend out there in California. 

Actually, you need to feel your sadness over missing her and confront your own loneliness without her.  You need to grieve.

I need Allen’s job to be more secure. 

Actually, you need to live in today and from a place of provision from my generous heart, instead of that never-ending, life-sucking place of scarcity.

I NEED TO BE OKAY ON THE OUTSIDE!

Actually, you need to be okay on the inside.  

(this time, He keeps going….)

My Esther, it’s not going to be having all the OUTSIDE problems solved.  More of them will creep up every day.  What you “needed” a year ago is completely different than what you will “need” a year from now.

What you REALLY need, however, is the same every moment, every day.  You need to trust, to settle, to be in that “all manner of thing shall be well” place INSIDE, the place where I dwell.  It’s safe there.  You have EVERYTHING you need there.

******************************************

And my God will liberally supply (fill until full) your every need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.  (Philippians 4:19)

P.S.  One thing I do desperately need this morning (and any of you who might grace my presence would heartily agree):  I NEED A SHOWER!  Warm soapy, water, here I come!