Family – Page 5 – The Dolly Mama

Anxiety, Faith, Family, Friendship, motherhood

Finding PEACE when we are FRAUGHT

Posted on July 27, 2020 by Esther Goetz

FRAUGHT. Adj. (of a situation or course of action) filled with or likely to result in (something undesirable).

THIS IS OUR LIFE right now. NO clear answers, much less any that we like.

Should I send my kids to school in person, online or homeschool?

How should I respond if someone puts their hand out to shake mine?

How can I safely see my aging parents? Should I quarantine? For how long? What does that even mean?

What do I do at work when someone comes in without a mask on?

When should I plan that dentist visit?

How do I respond with my friends, online, on the news, with my family when other people are not making the same choices as me?

Should I have friends over? Inside? Where will they go to the bathroom?

Is it okay to serve at the soup kitchen? How close will I have to get to the other volunteers?

FRAUGHT.

YUP. We are FRAUGHT.

Whatever decision we make is likely to result in something undesirable.

So what are we to do to have PEACE in the middle of it all?

____________________________________

DISCLAIMER: I’m on the same struggle bus sitting 6 feet away from you with my mask on. We are here kind of socially-distanced together, high-fiving and cheering each other along on this bumpy, twisty ride.

____________________________________

Okay. Back to our regularly-scheduled programming.

I had one of these FRAUGHT-FILLED decisions just this weekend. I was officiating a small wedding and I suddenly remembered I was going to have to talk to people. The bride. The groom. The wedding coordinator. The parents. The little cute kids wandering around. I’d always done it with ease and now it was complicated. FRAUGHT!

Will they think I am rude? Should I stand six-feet away from them? What if someone is immunocompromised and I have no clue? What if they want me close to them?

I would love to tell you that I knew exactly what to do and how to do it and that I was super confident in my decisions ahead of time. HAHAHA. NOPE!

I reverted to all those things I normally do.

I asked my husband what to do.

I wrung my hands.

I called an officiant friend for his advice.

I freaked out a little inside.

But then, I had to get out of the car. I had to make my decisions. The wedding was upon me.

I put on my big girl pants (I mean dress in this case) and I did what I knew to be my own best practices.

JUST DO THE VERY NEXT THING. I am not in any kind of position to plan ahead because my world is changing at break-neck speed. Don’t add anything extra to my plate right now. Add my best version of LOVE into the mixture and trust it will be really okay in the end.

DIG DEEPER TO FIND OUT WHAT IS GOING ON BENEATH THE SURFACE. Is it fear? Is it bad boundaries? Is it people-pleasing? Is it comparison? Maybe it’s something good. Faith? Good boundaries? Being true to myself? Take a minute to listen.

WATCH HOW MY BODY RESPONDS TO EACH OPTION. Do I tense up or do I sigh with at least some measure of relief? Check myself again and again until I sense which direction my body is sending me.

SINK DOWN INSIDE OF MYSELF WHERE GOD DWELLS. He is filled wisdom and love, goodness and life, healing and hope and SO AM I. Trust my God-filled gut.

GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION TO CHANGE MY MIND. The decisions I make do not have power over me. I have power over them. There is not one right one choice and everything will go to “hell in a hand-basket” if I make the wrong one. Change is often a good thing. It means I am learning and growing.

Yes. I am FRAUGHT. I certainly was this weekend and will be again for the foreseeable future. So are you. We all are. It’s a perfect word for the times we are living in. NO GOOD OPTIONS.

But good options are not the dictator of whether we have PEACE. Peace comes from within, not from without. Nothing has the right to steal it away from us. NO ONE. NO THING.

We need PEACE so very desperately because it’s our GUIDE, our HOPE and FRIEND.

And it’s ours for the taking because, after all, the very Source of PEACE is with us and for us and around us and IN US.

IN US.

So struggle-bus companions, let’s keep asking for and giving ourselves the gift of peace. The unexplainable, undeniable PEACE that is rightfully ours, if I may say so myself.

Screen Shot 2020-07-26 at 12.28.03 PM

Anxiety, Faith, Family, Grief

How Did You Feel?

Posted on July 21, 2020 by Esther Goetz

How did you feel, LITTLE ANT, the day your world was turned upside-down, the day I moved the huge rock that your whole little life revolved around and was protected by just so I could build a rock wall to line the fence in my yard?

How did you feel?

Maybe you felt…

CONFUSED. You were scampering along, working hard to take care of your family, happily doing what you were supposed to do. Suddenly, you found yourself exposed to a world you’d never known. Maybe you asked yourself, “What the heck just happened? Why oh why?” I don’t blame you. I would feel the same way.

Maybe you felt…

ANGRY. I know you did because you bit me, at least three times. I felt it sharply under my pants just moments later. You know what? I would bite me too. Maybe it was all your little self could do to yell, “THIS IS NOT RIGHT! SEND ME BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS!”

Maybe you felt…

OUT-OF-CONTROL. After all, life as you knew it had just changed forever. All those systems that you had put in place to make your little life easier and more predictable blew to bits. Your formula for how the world works and works well was upended, to say the least. When I ventured back to check on you, I saw a whole bunch of you just scurrying around, looking like you didn’t know what to do next.

Maybe you felt…

AFRAID. Who wouldn’t? I sure would. Would some giant ant-eater come out of the woods and gobble you up? Would your life ever look remotely the same as it had before the rock was taken away? Would your ant family be okay with this new normal? Would you be able to find another rock?

Maybe you felt…

SAD. Some of your family and friends were just taken away from you, some never to be seen again and some that you don’t know when you will see again, eat with, play with and work with. It’s just horrible, my little ant friend. Just horrible. It’s not really supposed to be this way and I’m so sorry what happened is putting you through this. I would just stop right now and cry the tears that are rightfully yours.

Maybe one day, LITTLE ANT, you will have a whole new world, one where you will be working, taking care of your family, busily at peace and full of new adventures. Yes. I bet it will happen soon enough.

But for now, my new found friend, I get it. I get you.

I’m with you and I AM you, more than you will ever know.

God-speed, my LITTLE ANT friend.

Childhood, Faith, Family, motherhood

Saved?!?!

Posted on July 16, 2020 by Esther Goetz

Wait!!! What?!?!

Me? Not my kids’ savior?

But I’m a mom and I want to be. So very much.

I like saving them.

From pain.
From loss.
From danger.
From rejection.
From struggle.
From failure.
From judgment.
From conflict.
From bad choices.
From all that’s wrong with the world.

It feels really good.

For the moment.

But I know it’s not good.

For their hearts.

Because when I am their savior,

I am also “saving” them…

From growing.
From confidence.
From adventure.
From learning.
From independence.
From success.
From connection.
From responsibility.
From good choices.
From all that’s right with the world.

Doesn’t sound like much saving in the end.

Then what’s the point of this motherhood gig?
If it’s not for saving?

Hang on a minute.

Wait for it.
Wait for it.

What’s that still small voice whispering inside?
What’s that “aha moment” I can’t deny?

Has motherhood saved me?
Has it?

By…

bringing me JOY that I’ve never known before
revealing PATIENCE as I stumble along in the unknown
breathing HOPE when I need it the most
reminding me of BEAUTY in the ordinary moments
granting KINDNESS when I can’t find any in myself
allowing me to experience unconditional LOVE
opening my heart to see the tenderness of good good GOD

The question persists, but the answer comes.

PERHAPS IT HAS.
PERHAPS IT REALLY HAS.

Note to self_ Motherhood is not a religion and I am not the savior of at the center.

Faith, Family, motherhood, Thanks

It’s 1 am (Hope for Motherhood)

Posted on July 1, 2020 by Esther Goetz

It’s 1 am.
My five-month old cries out from her crib.
Not another night of this!
It’s been three weeks since I’ve had more than 3 hours of sleep in a row.
God, HELP me! HELP them!
I am barely functioning anymore, bags under my eyes the size of grapes!
I don’t think I can take it anymore!
I am SO done!

It’s 1 am.
My kindergartener screams from his room.
Why does this keep happening?
The nightmares are getting worse!
God, HELP me! HELP them!
Am I doing something wrong?
I don’t have any idea what to do!
I am SO done!

It’s 1 am.
My 10-year old shouts “MOMMY!” at the top of his lungs.
His jammy bottoms are soaked.
He’s wet the bed again.
God, HELP me! HELP them!
I’ve already called the doctor five times.
Nothing is working!
I am SO done!

It’s 1 am.
I haven’t heard from my new driver’s license holder since 7 pm.
Her curfew is 11 pm. She knows better than this!
Is she hurt? Is she drunk? Is she alive?
God, HELP me! HELP them!
I never knew this mom gig would be SO hard!
Will I ever get sleep? Will I ever stop worrying?
I am SO done!

It’s 1 am.
My cell phone vibrates on the nightstand. I ignore it.
It’s vibrates again and again. I finally pick it up. Hello?
The campus security guard is on the other end. My daughter was found passed out on the sidewalk, having had WAY too much to drink.
God, HELP me! HELP them!
This is un(freaking)believable! She will be the death of me!
What in the world am I supposed to do now?
I am SO done!

It’s 1 am.
My eyes refuse to close in sleep.
My son has been furloughed from his job.
This pandemic is wrecking everything. He was doing so well and now this!!!
God, HELP me! HELP them!
What is going to happen?
Even if he gets his sales back, will any business have the money to buy advertising? UGH!
I am SO done!

It’s 1 am.
I lay awake on my bed.
I can’t believe the text I got from my son this afternoon.
I burst into tears as I read it, gratitude bubbling up and leaking out!
GOD, you’ve HELPED me! You’ve HELPED them!
It keeps happening! Every single time!
You love him even more than I do! You are our great and only HOPE!
I am SO UNDONE!

Celebration, Childhood, Family, Guest

The Top 10 Things I Learned As a Dad (from three of the best)

Posted on June 21, 2020 by Esther Goetz

(I asked three of my favorite dads…including my awesome husband…what they learned from being a dad. Here are their responses. They are brilliant.)

Not to judge other parents. I haven’t walked in their shoes. We all need grace. It’s the hardest job there is.
To admit my mistakes and to be the first to apologize to my kids when we conflict.
To make the relationship and not the rules the priority. To focus on their heart and not their behavior.
To listen more and lecture less.
That how I live counts much more than what I say.
That boundaries are key and that knowing how to manage boundaries (set, maintain, relax, alter, scrap, reinforce) is ridiculously complicated and confusing.
That I lack patience and am not long-suffering.
That it’s really hard to keep loving your kids when they are obnoxious.
The mistakes I made as a dad can be redeemed as I grow and change.
What it’s like to love unconditionally. Period. End of story. No matter what they did, I would love them. It helped me understand God’s unfailing love for me.

(Credit to Glenn Murphy, Allen Goetz and Frank Ellerbusch…Happy Father’s Day to you!)

Anxiety, Faith, Family, Grief, Marriage, Mental Health, motherhood

Which Voice Am I Listening To?

Posted on June 18, 2020 by Esther Goetz

WHICH VOICE AM I LISTENING TO?

Inner Critic: “You cannot stay on a workout regimen save your life.”

Inner Cheerleader: “Start with 15 minutes again tomorrow. You’ve done it before . You can do it again. ”

Inner Critic: “Your friends are probably so angry with you because you are not checking in with them as much as you used to. It’s your fault if they don’t stick around.”

Inner Cheerleader: “You have had to narrow down how much you are pouring out into people for your own well-being. You’ve done that so that you can be a better friend.”

Inner Critic: “You should NOT spend so much at the grocery store. You need to stick to a list.”

Inner Cheerleader: “It costs just a bit more to eat healthy, which has been a goal for you and your family. Keep up the good work!”

Inner Critic: “I can’t believe you are so racist?”

Inner Cheerleader: “You are learning to listen to those who are not like you. You will grow and change. You always have.”

Inner Critic: “Why do you tell people you have a good marriage? You just had another fight with your husband.”

Inner Cheerleader: “Look how far you have come from the early days. You’ve seen how sometimes conflict brings closeness. You have helped so many other couples because you can admit you struggle too.”

Inner Critic: “You will never get to those boxes in the basement that need to be organized.”

Inner Cheerleader: “You have been sorting through many things in your life, not all of them visible to the outside world. You will get to it when you are ready.”

Inner Critic: “You know that cookie you ate? You blew it again.”

Inner Cheerleader: “You know that cookie you ate? Good for you for showing yourself it’s not about perfection, but about grace.”

Inner Critic: “You didn’t set good boundaries again with your kids. When will you get this right?”

Inner Cheerleader: “Being a mom is a hard job, no matter how old your kids are. Boundaries are tricky and complicated and you are really doing what you think is right in each different situation. Also, you are really good at saying you are sorry when you blow it.”

Inner Critic: “Why do you even bother to give advice? To share your heart? To try to make a difference?”

Inner Cheerleader: “You don’t do it because you have it all together. You do it because you are broken too and it’s in this broken place that we all heal each other.”

WHICH VOICE HEAPS SHAME AND DESTROYS?
WHICH VOICE WHISPERS GRACE AND BRINGS HEALING?

WHICH VOICE AM I LISTENING TO?

Celebration, Childhood, Family, Grandparenthood, motherhood, Thanks

I Can’t Believe This is My Life

Posted on June 16, 2020 by Esther Goetz

Baby showers. Hospital rooms. 24-hour deliveries. No sleep. Leaky nursing bra. Baby giggles. Blurry mind. Toothless smiles. Crawling under the crib in the middle of the night for the pacifier. Yellow poop up the back.