Posted in Family, Grief, Motherhood, Thanks

I am his very first call…

“Mom, I got bad news totally out of the blue.”

The text flashes across my screen.

“You free?”

My heart starts to pound.  My hands get sweaty.

“Yes.” I respond, gathering my nervous self as together as possible.

It feels like hours until the phone rings.

“Is he hurt?”
“Did his girlfriend break up with him?”
“What about his job?”
“Has he been arrested?”

All those crazy, but somehow normal mom thoughts fly at me from all directions, the “I-WANT-HIM-TO-BE-OKAY” mom thoughts.

My phone finally buzzes.

“Hey honey, what’s up?” I ask, hoping I sound calm and not like I’m ready to hear the worst news ever.

He talks to me about what’s happening.

I try to just listen.

He tells me how he really feels.

Now, I lean in quieter and harder, because this is a newer thing he’s comfortable sharing.

As we get to the end of the call, he thanks me for my support and says, “I love you, Mom.” 

“I love you, too, honey.” I answer.  “It’s all going to be okay.  You will be okay.”

I press the red hang-up button.

Tears well and come tumbling out.

But not for the reasons I thought they would.

They are not there because of the sad and hard that my son is experiencing, even though I feel all those same feels.

They spill out because of the gratitude that seeps into my soul, knowing that I am his very first call.

His very first call.

The way I want it to be.

His very first call.

My mama heart rests peacefully.

Posted in Anxiety, Faith, Grief

What Do I Really Need Today? (and maybe you do too)

As I lie here this very normal Thursday morning, my body and mind and heart are somewhat anxious, so I spend some time talking to God.

The old, ugly, harsh, “principal’s office” God begins his normal barrage: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  Can’t you get your act together?   UGH.

I quickly step in and remind myself that this voice is not God, it’s the voices of discouragement and shame, enemies of my soul.

In its place, a tender voice speaks gently:  what is wrong with you?  what do you need?

I start bantering with this lover of my soul, and quite the conversation ensues.

***********************************************

I need Jared to start making money at this job he is working so hard at selling insurance.

 Actually, you need My wisdom to know how much to help or not help.

I need our house to sell (and especially for this fledgling contract to be signed).  This one is huge right now.  It’s causing lots of underlying stress on our finances, our marriage, our very bodies. 

Actually, you need a settledness of soul in the waiting, an abiding trust in Me.  I care and I know.

I need Rachel to make a friend out there in California. 

Actually, you need to feel your sadness over missing her and confront your own loneliness without her.  You need to grieve.

I need Allen’s job to be more secure. 

Actually, you need to live in today and from a place of provision from my generous heart, instead of that never-ending, life-sucking place of scarcity.

I NEED TO BE OKAY ON THE OUTSIDE!

Actually, you need to be okay on the inside.  

(this time, He keeps going….)

My Esther, it’s not going to be having all the OUTSIDE problems solved.  More of them will creep up every day.  What you “needed” a year ago is completely different than what you will “need” a year from now.

What you REALLY need, however, is the same every moment, every day.  You need to trust, to settle, to be in that “all manner of thing shall be well” place INSIDE, the place where I dwell.  It’s safe there.  You have EVERYTHING you need there.

******************************************

And my God will liberally supply (fill until full) your every need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.  (Philippians 4:19)

P.S.  One thing I do desperately need this morning (and any of you who might grace my presence would heartily agree):  I NEED A SHOWER!  Warm soapy, water, here I come!