I jolt awake at 4:40 am.
My husband’s ride for his early morning flight never arrives.
Flying by the seat of his pants (pun intended), he jumps in his car and is off in the darkness.
I lay eyes wide open.
I don’t want to be awake yet. It’s so dark out. I didn’t plan on this.
“Don’t forget. You have decided to heed the call of the darkness this winter,” the Lover of My Soul reminds me.
I stir, don my cozy slippers and venture to the big room with the big dark windows, turn on the Christmas tree and open the wood-burning stove. I leave the rest of the house quiet. Dark.
“Darkness, what do you have for me this morning?”
My Savior greets me softly and the darkness answers.
“You need me this morning, my friend.”
“You need silence to settle your frenzied mind.”
“You need solitude to rest your weary soul.”
“You need stillness to revive your anxious body.”
“You need Shalom (remember your Word of the Year?) to heal your troubled spirit.”
“You need me this morning, my friend.”
Right outside those big, dark windows, the light will dawn in a few moments and display the freshly-fallen snow.
It will be glorious.
BUT for now, I sit in the darkness.
The Dolly Mama 
Hi Esther,
I relate to your writing. My sons have been long gone and now my husband is gone too. Del is with the Lord and that can make me happy BUT that does not mean that I do not miss him. I do. I still wake up in the dark morning and think he’s here…I think I see his silhouette next to me. But NO, its not. I’m wrong. Maybe he’s in the bathroom getting ready to go to work…or maybe he’s having a little breakfast in the kitchen. The darkness and sleepiness confuse me. But then I remember, Del is not here. He’s with His Savior. That makes me happy but at the same time I miss him. And why are all those other husbands here? I could chose that path. But I will not!
I find my consolation in my morning read and I am assured that I have GOD with me – and He is like my husband. Although I cannot see Him, I know His Spirit is with me and I am OK even in the darkness. Someday the Light will dawn again and I will be with the Lord – Del and I will be forever with the Lord.
Thanks for your writings and honesty. Grief and loss is a form of darkness.
Love to you,
Elaine Lucas
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Mrs. Lucas,
I have so much to learn from you. You are such a beautiful woman, inside and out. Your heart is so tender toward your kids, your husband and your Savior. Thank you for sharing with me. Means the world to me.
Love to you right back,
Esther
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