Category: Family

Posted in Family, Grandparenthood, motherhood

Ending Well (and a surprise beginning)

Posted on by Esther Goetz

“I’m so tired, I’ve forgotten how to spell the word tried.”  (Google search of “parenting” + “tired” + “quote”)

I am tired.  I am counting down the hours to ending my active parenting.  It’s been 25++ years.  I am sitting on the floor, covered in empty boxes, and about to sleep on a futon that has been through three other college students.

When I think back to active parenting, I have:

  • used q-tips covered in alcohol carefully for 10 days on each of four babies’ umbilical cords until that gross thing turned black and fell off
  • grocery shopped with four children under seven (it was like taking four goats to the store…I “kid” you not…get it?  get it?  I “kid” you not)
  • sorted legos into bags by color, size and type at least 52 times (to be exact)
  • played Ms. PacMan on Nintendo 64 surrounded by eight excited eyes until I beat all the levels and killed the witch
  • kept Pokemon cards carefully in plastic sleeves inside of books and monitored whose cards were whose
  • filled out back-to-school forms until my eyes twitched and my hands curled up in agony (can’t this be computerized people?)
  • packed 180 (# of days in a school year) X 4 (# of kids in this house) X 13 (# of school years in the life of an average child) lunches (for you math heads, that’s 9,360)
  • created chore charts, memory verse charts, learn-to-pee-and-poop-on-the-potty charts, and behavior charts, all complete with stickers and prizes
  • watched (or at least heard from the kitchen) ad nauseum reruns from the Disney Channel, Nick Jr., PBS, Cartoon Network and now Netflix
  • coached and watched basketball, soccer, baseball, lacrosse, wrestling, field hockey, swimming, track, volleyball, and softball (I’m pretty sure our records for all of those sports combined was .500 exactly)
  • listened to piano, clarinet, bassoon, guitar, and recorders (some of it, shall I say, “more pleasing to the ear” than others)
  • gone to the doctor, dentist, oral surgeon, voice therapist, orthodontist, counselor, ENT, orthopedic surgeon and emergency room enough that I felt like I should have “frequent shopper cards” (buy 10 visits, get one free)
  • planned themed birthday parties each year complete with specialized decorations and games (Pin the Tail on Pikachu anyone?)
  • endured graduations from preschool to middle school to high school to college (best memory is Josh and I rolling our eyes across the gym at Rachel during her 8th grade graduation…don’t judge me)
  • driven at least 5 or 6 times the distance of the globe to practices, lessons, youth groups, parties, play dates, school, and girl/boyfriend’s houses (you parents out there feel my pain as you read this)
  • broken up 3,247 fights over paper-cup lids, halloween candy, bathroom etiquette (or lack thereof), and on and on and on
  • taught (or I should say freaked out in the passenger’s seat) four teens how to drive
  • moved four kids in and out of college dorms and college apartments (one night I actually slept on bath mats…it was the softest thing I could find in Jared’s apartment)

You can see why I’m tired.  25++ active years of this.

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About six months ago, I felt done.  Yes.  Done.  After all, Rachel was independent, easy, and didn’t really need me anymore.  Could I get out of this parenting thing early?  Loved that thought for a moment.  Relished it.  And then some force within me rose up and put a stop to that thinking (it had to because it was running amok).  

I made this promise to myself (and made the same one for Allen, whether he liked it or not): “I am going to end my parenting well.  Rachel deserves the same parent the other kids got until the day they skipped out the door to their dorm rooms.”   I can’t say that it was perfectly executed by any means after that or that I just had all the exact amount of love and energy I needed to do this every moment of every day.  But you know what, I did do it.  And it was good.

Good.  That is all that was needed.  Not perfect, but good.  I have no idea and I am super grateful for whatever rose up inside of me to keep fighting the good fight until the very last picture was hung, Walmart kitchen table built (complete with chairs) and Bed Bath and Beyond order picked up.  And I do have the proof:  I am sitting on the floor, covered in boxes, about to sleep on a very well-worn futon.  I have ended well.

But (SURPRISE!!! you thought this blog post was over) it does not really end.  Love does not end.  It changes, but does not end.  My hands may be less busy (I am seriously praying this is true), but my heart will never be.  My heart is bigger and wider and busier than ever before.  Love does not end.  It multiplies.

And guess what.  Big news.

On or about the beginning of November, a new baby boy will be born to our Sarah and her husband Cody.  And the cycle of love will begin again, and actually, it already has.

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(an aside for those of you still in the thick of it:  you are doing great!  you will make it!  it will be okay! and yes, it is very hard and very worth it!  you are a super hero!)

 

Posted in Childhood, Faith, Family, motherhood, Thanks

Pennies

Posted on by Esther Goetz

“The world is fairly studded and strewn with pennies cast broadside by a generous hand. But- and this is the point- who gets excited by a mere penny?”  (Annie Dillard in Pilgrim at Tinker Creek)

Allen hatched a plan at dinner one night many moons ago.  He had been reading the above book (worth the read) and was captivated by an anecdote about a game Dillard used to play in her childhood. She tells the story of how she used to hide her own “precious penn(ies)” in nooks or crannies in trees or sidewalks, drawing chalk arrows to them so a stranger would find the surprise penny and pick it up.  Many times, she would lie in wait to catch a glimpse of the excitement in the finder’s eyes.

Allen’s favorite thought, just like Annie Dillard, was that there are “unwrapped gifts and free surprises” straight from the heart of God, just waiting for us if we open our eyes to see them.  Thus came Allen’s mission for our family:  find these pennies every day and tell us about them at dinner.

What started as a game ended up changing our lives.  Each one of us searched and found many things each day that we believed were “strewn by the generous hand” of God Himself, “surprises” just for us He had hidden along the path, many times with “big arrows” signaling where we might discover them.  We had things like flowers, actual pennies (those were super fun to find), frogs, the best parking space at the mall on a rainy day, butterflies, a kind word from someone, scoring an unexpected goal on the soccer or field hockey field, etc.  Sometimes, we would joke that what we had been given was a “nickel,” a “dime” or even a “quarter,” depending on the magnitude of what it meant to us.

Maybe I’m the only one here, but I have a confession to make.  My life (and mostly my head) is filled with negativity from the news, struggles in my home, animosity on social media, work-place uncertainty, sickness and even the death of those I love, all things that  consume me by what’s wrong with the world instead of what’s right.  And really, truth be told, it causes me to doubt whether or not there is a God who is alive and who actually loves us people down here on this beautiful, but hurting planet.

As the events of the past week unfolded, my mind traced back (and thankfully did so) to the game we played for a whole year at our dinner table, the one that changed my life and maybe can change it again.  Are there terrible things?  Yes.  Are there sad things?  Yes.  Are there things that are just downright wrong?  Yes.  But are they the only things? NO!

I don’t want to stick my head in the sand, but I also don’t want to be swallowed up either.  I want to wisely navigate that tension between the bitter and the sweet of life, compassion rising within me in the bitter and joy enveloping my heart in the sweet.

One does not negate the other.  They both matter.  They both have their place in my day. I would venture to say, however, that I don’t have to look very far to see the bitter.  I am bombarded from sun up until sun down.  And that’s why I want to open my eyes, like Annie Dillard implores me, to search for the sweet, find it, and name it.  Those “pennies” might be just what I need.  And they just might quiet those doubts and remind me of a God who is alive and loves little old me, a God who has put special pennies all throughout my day, pennies just for me.  This is a soothing and healing balm for my soul.

Will you play this game with me, even if it’s just for today?  Pennies from heaven.  Mine today was a beautiful view of the James River from outside our train window on the way to Florida taking Rachel to college.  What was yours?

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Posted in Celebration, Family, motherhood, Uncategorized

JOY Unspeakable

Posted on by Esther Goetz

“Weeping may endure for the night, but JOY comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5)

9/29/99 was an ordinary Wednesday for most people.  But for me, it was a “line-in-the-sand” kind of day, a day that marked a change in my life that brought unconditional love in the form of a 9 pound 5 ounce baby girl.  Rachel JOY Goetz, our fourth child, was born that morning, at 1:09 am, to be exact.  And now, in just two short days, she is off to embark on her next adventure, taking the “Rachel-only” piece of my heart with her!

Two years ago, at the age of 16, I gave her a gold-dipped white rose for her birthday.  The thoughts I penned for her that day ring truer in my heart tonight as I sit at my computer.  My initial impulse is to weep (and I’m sure it will come in buckets soon enough), but in the wee hours of a Friday, I am reminded that JOY does come in the morning.  So for now, I celebrate.

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Dearest Rachel,

I love giving you this rose.  It symbolizes so much that I want you to know about yourself and why you have changed my life and the lives of all who meet you.

First of all, the rose is WHITE.  White is a symbol of innocence or purity, but not perfection.  I see in you a pure heart, one that longs to love others with good intentions, treat others kindly with much grace and little judgment and do your personal best without getting caught up in “perfectionism.” Your pure heart is beautiful!

Secondly, the flower is a ROSE.   Roses are heart-stoppingly beautiful to the eye and their smell is equally show-stopping. When I think of you, your outward beauty is heart-stopping for me. Many times, as you know, you take my breath away! You are simply gorgeous on the outside! I can’t get around it. But again, more importantly, your “aroma” is show-stopping. Your infectious smile, caring heart, and love for the “haves” and the “have-nots” is truly incredible.  

ROSES demonstrate the following things and I see them in you:

LOVE – You love unconditionally. We have said this about you from when you were a baby. When others are with you, they can’t help but feel loved and accepted. What a gift that is!

FAITH – You are a trusting soul. You believe the best about others. You easily trust God’s heart toward you.

BEAUTY – Rachel, you are truly beautiful, inside and out.

BALANCE – You understand the delicate balance of life: work, play, others and yourself. I love watching this in you. You are a good teacher to me.

PASSION – What can I say? Your passion for what really matters to you is crazy cool to watch!   Those five things…God, love of family and friends, music, puzzles and the beach!

TIMELESSNESS – I think of you as a timeless person. You enjoy people aged 2 to 102. You love where you are and who you are with. Time seems to slow down when I am around you!

WISDOM – Dad and I used to say that “you got it” even when you were a teeny one. You see so much of the world through wise eyes and a wise heart. You are the best counselor to your friends and you see things that others just can’t see.   My favorite wise saying that you have ever said was, “It is better to be kind than right.”   You were only 10 years old when you spoke that deep truth to my heart (and to our basketball team).  Yes! You just “get it.”

INTRIGUE – No one can say that they have explored the depths of what makes you Rachel. You have a mysteriousness about you that is very interesting and causes me to want to know you more. There is so much to you and it has been fun seeing a beautiful young woman begin to unfold!

DEVOTION – You are one of the most loyal people I know.   You stick by your friends, your beliefs, your love for Jesus, your family and yourself!

SENSUALITY – You love all things…what you can see, hear, smell, taste and touch! You enjoy life to the full. You see all the gifts God has for you in nature, in others, in music, in so many simple things, in all of life!

Lastly, the rose is dipped in GOLD. To me, gold symbolizes long-lasting value. Every time you look at the rose on your bookshelf, I want you to be reminded of how incredibly valuable you are, to God, to us, to yourself and to your future. You have infinite value, much more than any GOLD in the world.  The whole person that makes up Rachel JOY Goetz is so undeniably precious and I pray that you would continue to hold onto that understanding for the rest of your life!

I want to end with the second verse that God gave me when you were born! It has really come true for me! And for anyone who has spent a minute with you!

“My God shall do exceedingly abundantly above all we can ever ask or imagine, according to the power that works within us.” (Ephesians 3:20)

I love you precious daughter!

Mom

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PS  If you aren’t tired of Rachel yet, click HERE to watch my heart-wrenching slide show of her amazing life!

PPS  And if you want to read what it was like to be her sister, check out Sarah’s blog post from May of 2011 about the unconditional love that was 11 year-old Rachel.

 

Posted in Marriage

Make a Marriage Great Again (Part Two of Ten)

Posted on by Esther Goetz

Nothing is more noble, nothing more venerable, than fidelity.  (Cicero)

Disturbing statistics:  22% of men and 14% of women admit to having an affair during their marriage.  Even more disturbing statistics: 74% of men and 68% of women say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught. (www.statisticbrain.com)

This past weekend, our friends’ son was married to a beautiful girl.  As with most weddings, there were flowers, dresses, food and promises of love and faithfulness until death. There were also the fun things, like the silly song that the bride’s family sang to the groom called “Lukey Pukey” (don’t ask) and the square dancing in the barn (Allen and I had left feet, six feet, or just a lack of dancing ability – we did get our 10,000 steps for which we were thankful – see FitBit post).

We were reminded again and again that day about the second WTF (see last week’s post on this to get the inside joke) in our series of F words – FIDELITY.

This very word is designed to evoke trust (probably why there is a huge bank who has the name).  With it comes the ideas of loyalty, faithfulness, allegiance and support.

For many of us, the first thing that comes to mind with the word fidelity in marriage is the sexual relationship (the “forsake all others” part).

When Allen and I meet with engaged couples, we ask them, no matter whether or not they are currently sexually active, to give each other the “gift of sexual integrity” during the mentoring process.  It is basically a sexual fast for the four to six months we explore all aspects of their relationship before the big day.  For many, this is a no-brainer. They understand the deeper reasons behind this request:

  • building of trust
  • providing a basic litmus test of self-control and patience
  • exploring spiritual and emotional aspects of the relationship without the physical
  • entering a sexual fast (much like a food fast) to provide an environment where God can work at some deeper levels

For others, this is very difficult, and with good reason.  In a society that has expectations of sleeping together as proof or the natural result of love, it may come as an odd request. At this point, we ask them to take a step of trust in us, in the mentoring process and in the Creator of marriage.  We can tell you this for sure: we have never seen it backfire in our eight years of meeting with over 80 couples.  We have seen relationships heal and thrive.

Allen and I were blessed, albeit for the wrong reasons of following the rules, to wait until marriage for the fulfillment of our physical union. We had no idea then what an incredible gift this was to each other.  A huge benefit for me over these 26+ years is that I have never worried that Allen might have an affair.  His self-control, ability to wait and integrity provided a place of complete trust for me.  I am extremely thankful.  It’s one area of our relationship that I feel safe.  I believe he does as well.

Our hearts were designed for fidelity (loyalty, faithfulness, allegiance and support).  Not just physically.  That is just the area that seems to be highlighted when this subject comes up.  When we marry, we want to be chosen never to be unchosen.   Marriage provides a unique backdrop for true intimacy in every area of our lives: spiritual, emotional, mental and physical.  It is the only human place to be fully-known and fully-loved, and as the Bible says, “naked and unashamed.”

Fidelity is the framework for this intimacy.  This safety net offers a place where we can fully reveal ourselves (become fully-known) to another.  The fulfilled promise of loving and not leaving (“until death do us part”) is huge.  This brings with it the second part of intimacy, being fully-loved.  Each is a requirement of the other and makes a never-ending circle of knowing and loving.

I know some of you are thinking, “But we haven’t been faithful to each other.”  (And maybe even “you have no idea because you guys made all the right decisions,” yada, yada, yada.)  Remember how I said I felt safe in that one area.  That’s true.  But we have not had complete fidelity (loyalty, faithfulness, allegiance and support) with each other.  We are humans.  We have revealed dark sides of ourselves only to be met with a lack of understanding, blame, shame, yelling (okay, I yell), shutting down and bailing out (maybe not the D (ivorce) word, but there are many ways to practice infidelity).  We are still practicing (because we are not there yet by any stretch) what we preach.

Fidelity is hard work.  It’s big and small, long-term and in-the-moment choices to know and be known, to love and be loved.  But it is worth it!

Just now, Allen called and said, “Who are we to share this message?  We certainly don’t have our act together.  It’s hard for us.”  We then paused and reminded each other that even though the struggle is very real for us, we are working really hard because we believe this and the message still deserves to get both in here (to us) and out there (to you)!  Marriage matters!  We matter!  You matter!  Fidelity matters!

Semper Fidelis!

A week break and then number three:  FALLIBILITY

 

 

 

Posted in Marriage

Make A Marriage Great Again (Part One of Ten)

Posted on by Esther Goetz

Marriage is the opportunity to inherit an additional dysfunctional family, just in case the one you have wasn’t enough!  (Pinterest)

I was going to call this post “WTF (Part One)” but shied away from the controversy.  I figured the hinted reference to our commander-in-chief might be less contentious than the allusion to a curse word.  You have both to think about now and I might just have your attention.  (I hope you know this is all in fun and to put a smile on your face.)

Back to WTF.  My husband and I have been marriage mentors for many years and have met with countless couples who are getting or newly married.  We love it, not only because we love the people who we come to know, but also because it’s been so good for our own marriage.

We have discovered, mostly because of making our own mistakes, walking through the mentoring curriculum ourselves and getting very wise counsel from a professional, ten F’s (hence the reference, WTF), that couples need to navigate to have the marriage they long for, where they are fully known and fully loved.

The first “F” is FAMILY:  Family of Origin (FOO) and Future Family (FF).

We all have a FOO, and they are all completely different.   There are as many types of families as there are people.  Our FOOs create expectations of what we believe is normal, even right.  It’s no wonder that our FOOs collide when we come together to create an FF.

When we first meet our partner’s FOO, we probably have two things in mind:  I hope they like me.  They look pretty good/or not (in other words, “how good will my partner look in 25 years?”).  As we get to know them a little better, we might have two other things in mind:   We are not doing THAT (fill in the blank) when we have a family.  I am not spending all of the holidays with her side.  (and other such kind thoughts)

Most husbands and wives fall into patterns of behavior and thought from their FOOs.  After all, we believe them to be what’s normal and our expectations follow suit.  Even in the healthiest of families, however, many couples find certain aspects of their FOO that they don’t want to repeat.

When Allen and I married more than 26 years ago, we had absolutely no clue about this.  We were young and in love and thought it would just magically play out.  Then we began to live together.  I grew up in a family that was loud, emotional and nothing was “off limits” in our conversations.  We talked about the taboo things:  religion, politics, you-name-it.  We talked about them passionately.

Allen, on the other hand grew up in a “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all” FOO.   Controversial topics were never spoken of.  To this day, Allen’s mom does not know who his dad voted for in any election (maybe that’s why they get along so well).  I’m sure you can picture our first argument and even our argument just yesterday.  Esther:  loud, passionate, emotional.  Allen:  quiet, reserved and logical.  Perfect for each other (insert snarky tone of voice).

This isn’t something that is our faults.  It’s just what’s true.  And what’s true will set you free (the book of John).  As we slowly and carefully unravel what we have brought to the marriage with us from our FOOs (without the damaging partners of blame and shame), we will begin to experience the grace and love we so desperately want and need, providing the way for our FF.

Allen and I are still navigating this, sometimes more carefully than others.   We continue to see patterns from our FOOs that have an effect on our F (which for us, isn’t so future anymore).  We keep working hard with wise counsel to see ourselves and each other more clearly, and give understanding and compassion.  I wish we were perfect at it.  We are not.  But one thing we are:  we are passionate about doing whatever it takes to be fully known and fully loved, FOO issues and all.

We have now produced a FOO for our children, just like many of you.  Others of you are at the beginning of your FF like our daughter Sarah (who just wrote an amazing post on new marriage).  No matter where you are on your journey, it’s never too late or too soon to take a look back and uncover what you might have brought into your F or your FF from your FOO.  The good news is that some of the things might just be wonderful.  After all, the best gift your partner received from your FOO is YOU!

NEXT FRIDAY:  FIDELITY

Welcome comments, likes and shares…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Family, motherhood, Uncategorized

The Goetz Family Law

Posted on by Esther Goetz

“TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOUR STUFF.”  (Esther Goetz – The Dolly Mama)

There were 613 commandments in the original Jewish law.  There were almost the same number of rules in our home in the first several years of our parenting.  I spent countless hours coming up with different “Goetz Family Laws” based on our kids’ ages and stages.

I read book after book on parenting, trying to get a grip on how this whole thing was supposed to work, how I could be a successful mother.  In fact, about six months ago, I found an old Word document from 2006 and it was entitled, “Family Boundary Agreements.”  Inside, there were contracts with each of the four kids, ages 17 down to 10, filled with expectations about right behavior and clear consequences if that behavior wasn’t met and privileges given if it was met.  I was desperate to just manage the chaos that seemed to be a natural part of raising a family.  Reading it 10 years later basically caused me to LOL (seriously LOL).  I probably had never followed through on any of it, no matter how hard I had tried.

Needless to say, this went on for many years until one day, I cried in desperation to one of the kids (I may have been in a bit of a frenzy at the time.  Just saying), “Take care of your SELF and your STUFF and you’ll never have to hear from me!”  If I had been a cartoon at that moment, a giant “lightbulb” would have appeared over my head.  HUGE PARENTING CLARITY MOMENT!

When I had a minute to analyze this to see we could actually adopt this as our new framework, I mentally began to test all of the things that might happen in our home:

  • dropping wet towels on bedroom floor (STUFF)
  • brushing teeth (SELF)
  • not eating 17 cookies (SELF)
  • doing homework (STUFF)
  • putting away toys (STUFF)
  • washing hands after wiping (SELF)
  • getting a job (BOTH)
  • taking off shoes in the middle of the kitchen and leaving them there (STUFF)
  • going to bed  (SELF)
  • developing friendships (SELF)
  • putting gas in car (STUFF)
  • etc.  etc.  etc.

Believing this was the answer, we adopted a new Goetz Family Law, one that didn’t take hours of preparation and doctorates for each of us to understand.  I could pretty much throw out the charts and the contracts.  Each situation was evaluated by these two simple questions:  “Are you taking care of yourself?  Are you taking care of your stuff?”  It didn’t matter how old these precious children of mine were.  It didn’t matter what kind of personality they had.  It didn’t matter if they were a boy or a girl, an introvert or an extrovert, played the guitar or lacrosse, 15 or 3.

As time marched on, many things fell under this purview.  I had great relief as I had a tool to help me.   External behavior that aids in teaching character traits like responsibility, ownership, and stewardship were more easily managed.  However, not all things landed neatly in the columns of self and stuff.  We still faced:

  • cooperation
  • generosity
  • kindness
  • respect
  • compassion
  • thankfulness
  • forgiveness
  • patience

These were the deeper issues of the heart.  Thankfully, I didn’t have to muster up another lightbulb moment to address these.  Someone much wiser than me had already done the job about 2,000 years ago.  In fact, He had summed up all 613 of those rules in the Jewish law with just two:  “Love God.  Love your neighbor as yourself.”  No rocket science needed here.  Easier on the mind and on the heart (so glad I live on this side of history).

I am coming out of the parenting years (very slowly and painstakingly…in fact, our youngest just graduated high school yesterday).  Can I put all of this away now?  My answer to myself is “no.”  All of this stuff applies, not just to parenting, but to life.  And certainly to me.  I need to take care of myself and my stuff (my health, my family, my finances, my emotions, my home, etc.).   But my greater need is one where love (the love of God, self and others) is the center of my heart and all the richer and deeper things of life flow from that center.

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What “rules” do you live by?  How might living in and from love change your world?  Would love to hear your comments.

As always, you can follow me on all the social media channels (except SnapChat, because I’m too old for that, according to my kids).  If you’re not a social media person, and want to do things the old-fashioned way (unbelievable that it’s already old-fashioned), subscribe to my email list.  I would love for you to share, share, share.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Marriage, Mental Health

Go With The Slow

Posted on by Esther Goetz

“And the turtles, of course…all the turtles are free, as turtles and, maybe, all creatures should be.” (Dr. Seuss)

In the tale of the Tortoise and the Hare, I am the Hare. In fact, my daughter calls me the EstherGizer Bunny.  I move at break-neck speed much of the time: my brain, my feet, my hands, my heart and my mouth. When I was a young mom, our elderly neighbor, and whom my young children called “Grandma,” said to me, “I watch you out of the window heading to your car and I don’t think your feet ever really touch the sidewalk.”

I was wiggly, energetic, smart and super-speedy as a kid. I did my first three grades in two years and then skipped right over fourth grade, landing me in fifth grade when I was just eight years old. Break-neck speed. “Can’t sit still.” Lots of childhood memories of those words from the adults around me.

I’m a fast thinker, typer, talker, mover, decision-maker. Probably most of the reason I have tended to be on the thin side during my life is that every cell of my body is wiggling.   Other people get tired thinking about what I do during a day.  You get the picture.

For some reason, though, I have always loved turtles. I was fondly known as the “turtle rescuer” for quite some time.   I loved “helping “ them get where they needed to be. After all, I am much speedier than they are. (SIDENOTE: If you find a turtle in the road, move them in the direction they were heading. Never turn them around. The turtle is on a mission, and if you turn it around, it will simply go back across the road when you drive away. —the Turtle Rescue League)

Little did I know, in my young and “rescuing” years, that turtles didn’t really need my help.  I needed their help.  I loved the Turtle in that tale I mentioned.  I remember the moral of the fable so clearly: “Slow and steady wins the race.” But I am not slow and steady.  I am fast and wobbly.  Why does he win?  Doesn’t the fastest always win? However, somewhere deep in my heart, I knew this was profound truth.

Several years ago, I began to read an author by the name of Dallas Willard.  I actually heard him speak not too long before he went to be with His Savior.  He seemed kind of “turtley” to me.  Slow and steady.  In fact, deeply steady.  “Why is he like this? What does he have that I don’t have? I want this.”  As I got to know him better through his writings and videos, I found that he only had one piece of advice for those who would ask him: “Ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.”

Slowly (intended thought) I have found, even though I don’t act on it nearly enough, that my very well-being (emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental), depends on following his prescription.   Stay-tuned for more on this in the future.

But for now, go with the slow.  Be a little more turtley!  As they said in one of my all-time favorite movies, The Master of Disguise, and I ask myself on many days, “Are you turtley enough for the turtle club?”   (Click HERE for quick look at the movie clip and a good laugh!)

Are you a turtle or a hare? Would love you to just write a one-word answer below letting me know. I don’t mind being a hare, but I certainly want to be a hare that has learned the lessons of a turtle. Maybe a turtley hare!

Posted in Childhood, Faith, Third Culture Kid

Ethiopia Tikdem!

Posted on by Esther Goetz

“Narnia taught me we must all grow up and leave our childhood behind, but must never forget it.”  (Some place on Pinterest)

In my young years, I heard this shouted and chanted: “Ethiopia Tikdem!  Ethiopia Tikdem!  “Ethiopia First!  Ethiopia First!”  Sitting at one of my favorite Ethiopian restaurants not too long ago, it came to mind as I ate injera ba wat and savored every bite.

The year is 1966, the month is February and a little girl is born. Not in a hospital, but in a back-woods clinic in a tiny town called Deder, Ethiopia. I, Esther Joy Maret, was born the fourth child of missionary parents who wanted to serve God.  Having three older brothers, I was the answer to my mother’s prayer for a girl.  Much to say, I did not have your typical American childhood (I guess that has to be left to author Annie Dillard and many of you to describe).  Here is a peak at my Ethiopian childhood…

  • I had a Somali nanny who didn’t speak much English during my preschool years (see picture above).
  • I went to a local French kindergarten because I was wide-eyed, early reader at four years old.
  • I was in boarding school at just five.
  • We memorized Bible verses each morning at 6:45 am. Our end-of-the-year prize was going to the airport for a luncheon if we memorized all of the verses.
  • I knew “O Canada,” “God Save the Queen” and the “Pledge of Allegiance” because our school was filled with people from all different countries.
  • We learned the local language of Amharic.
  • I saw my brothers in passing as they were much older.  I never saw my oldest brother because he was away in Kenya for his boarding school.  We spent vacations and holidays together.
  • I played outside unsupervised after school with my dorm mates (it was like being a college student when you were seven).
  • We had field day, sporting events, Halloween parades, chapel, piano lessons, school plays and homework. Sometimes, parents showed up to these.
  • I stood in endless lines waiting for vaccinations. Gamma Globulin was the worst. It was hard to sit for a week.
  • We listened to the Chronicles of Narnia being read by our dorm mother each night after we were fed and washed up.  (And here’s a little secret: I loved Aslan, the kind, loving and gracious lion in the stories more than I loved Jesus. He seemed like the kind of Savior and friend that I wanted and so desperately needed, very different from the one I had learned about or conjured up in my head, the angry one who might just send me to hell if I didn’t behave or believe the right thing.  I still love Aslan.)
  • I saw my parents on random weekends and vacations or if I was sick (which was super fun because I got to listen to The Wizard of Oz on reel-to-reel and drink tea).
  • I lived in guarded and walled compounds when with my parents, being frequently robbed for our clothes and plastic, even our Kerplunk game.  (We got a kick out of that because when the thief got home, he or she would find that the plastic was filled with holes and useless for whatever his purposes were.)  So much for the guard and the wall.

A communist coup came in 1974 that brought the death of King Haile Selassie, many of his children and grandchildren.  War ensued.  There were communist marches and guns fired in the streets.  Famine came.  After two long years of brewing hatred for foreigners, my parents decided that they would leave all their belongings behind and take their four children back to the United States.  Not your typical childhood.

But like each and every one of our childhoods, even though mine was a little “out-of-the-box,”  it was filled with good and bad, scary and peaceful, happy and sad, ups and downs, boring and interesting.  These are the things that make our childhoods sacred and unique and help to form us into who we are today, the beautiful and broken and complicated and messy and wonderful us.  And probably like many of you, I wouldn’t trade mine for the world.

Would love to hear what things made your childhood typical or completely unique?  Is any childhood typical?  Who are you because of yours?

Here are some things you can do:

  • Comment below or especially out on Facebook!
  • Click on the Follow link at the bottom of this page so that you get email notifications when there is a new post.
  • Check out my daughter’s blogpost entitled Broken and Beautiful by clicking HERE
  • And lastly, SHARE (another small button)!

 

Posted in Family

Why Should You Read This?

Posted on by Esther Goetz

“You don’t choose your family.  They are God’s gift to you as you are to them.”  (Desmond Tutu)

Who are you getting to know through this blog?  Why should you keep reading?  Each of our stories is precious and sacred and one that unfolds before the world.  I guess I believe that about my own.  That’s one of the reasons I decided to write a blog.  Our stories are the ways we share our hopes and dreams, heartaches and successes, joys and sorrows, all that makes us these wonderfully complex and beautiful humans.  Stories connect our hearts in ways that are spoken and truly more than spoken.

Here is a small glimpse of the current story-line of our little family…

I am a wife to Allen Goetz and we have been married for over 26 years and we currently live in a sleepy little town in the middle of New Jersey.   Trust me.  You’ve never heard of it.  We have two famous things in our town:  the Stirling Hotel (#1 voted bar/restaurant by the readers of the Star Ledger, our newspaper, and where my daughter is a hostess…shameless plug) and Leo the MGM lion’s burial site, although no one is quite sure exactly where the body is laid to rest.  We also have three not-so-famous things here as well:  St. Joseph’s Shrine (“a sacred place for all”), the Great Swamp (“the middle of nowhere in the middle of New Jersey”), and the Raptor Trust (“how one man’s passionate concern for raptors grew into a nationally recognized rehabilitation center”).  Makes you want to vacation here, don’t you think?

Back to family… Allen is kind and gracious. I am sarcastic and I like to say, discerning (but others may call me a bit judgmental). Allen is a hard-worker, quiet and reserved. I am quick-witted and loud. He is methodical and analytical. I am passionate and decisive. Allen is a supporter and a peacemaker. I am a leader and aggressive. As you can see, we are a match made in heaven.

I am a mom to four very unique kids and one new son-in-law.

Sarah is 25 and a second-grade teacher to inner-city, poverty-line children. She is married to Cody and lives in Pennsylvania. Sarah is a hard-working rule-follower, and if we were Catholic, she might have become a nun.  She is highly creative and has had a teacher’s heart since she was little. She is deeply caring and a great writer. She is my editor when it comes to these posts.  You can read her blog at sarah-plain-and-tall.blogspot.com.  She is one of my very best friends.

Cody, her husband, is a crazy outdoorsman and an Adventure Education teacher in an alternative high school for kids who have been dismissed from public school. He is super-handy and knows what he wants. He is a man who is willing to grow and learn. We love him. They were married last July and are experiencing all the lovely things that go along with that first year of wedded bliss: yeast and urinary tract infections, birth control side effects, arguments about chores, cooking meals that the other one doesn’t like, and oh, learning to live with and still love this other human being.

Our son Jared just graduated college and is 23. We call him the “edge kid.” He is the center of attention when he walks into a room. He “lights it up” as they say.  He is always coming up with big business ideas and is an entrepreneur at heart. He was that wiggly, ADHD kid who loved to push the envelope. When our rule was “no eating in the family room,” he would stand with one foot in the kitchen and one foot in the family room munching away so the crumbs would technically fall into the kitchen. We are not sure if he will be president or in prison one day. Or both. I don’t think one disqualifies the other these days.  And my personal vote would be for president! #POTUS2032

Josh, our 21 year old, is a basically a nerd.  He wants to be a college professor because his brain goes faster and holds more information than anyone I know. He watches Ted Talks and looks stuff up on the internet and figures out how to do some of the most complicated things (like basically build his own computer).   He’s an introvert, but somehow ended up as a psychology major. I think he just wants to figure out the ultimate in a complicated thing…the human being. He is also kind and sensitive. He is smart, but he is also the wisest person I know. He might be a good match for Solomon in heaven, but hopefully won’t ever suggest cutting babies in half (see Bible for that story if you are concerned about where this blog is heading).

Our youngest, Rachel, is a musician. She is very smily and has had a sparkle since she was born. She is a true friend, fiercely independent and loves unconditionally.   Her middle name is JOY and it’s a true picture of who she is. She is a senior, headed to college to pursue a career in music technology and wants to open her own studio one day. She plays the guitar, the piano, the ukulele and can be found sitting making a puzzle most afternoons in our family room.  She says that her heart is filled with five things:  God, love of family and friends, music, the beach, and puzzles.  I can see her getting a tattoo representing each of these one day.

I couldn’t have asked for better people to share my house with. I am truly grateful.  I love the quote by Desmond Tutu, but I will tell you that if I got to choose, I wouldn’t choose anyone different.

I would love to hear a glimpse of your story.  Who would you choose?  Who was chosen for you?

 

Posted in Faith, Family

Why the “Dolly Mama”?

Posted on by Esther Goetz

“There are two days in a year where nothing can be done.  One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow.  Today is the right day to love, do, believe and live.”  (The Dalai Lama)

It’s 1:51 am and I am awake. Thinking about starting this blog.  Laying in bed, saying to myself, “Just get up and make one post.”  What to write? Where to start?  I need to start now.  Live and do today.

Why the blog name, “The Dolly Mama”?  A few days ago, I was on the phone with my adult married daughter and teacher, Sarah.  I said to her, as I usually do, when we are getting off the phone, “Love you, Dolly.”  She quickly asked, “Do you call us all ‘Dolly,'” referring to her other siblings – two younger brothers and a younger sister.  “Yes.  Yes, I do.”  “Then your new nickname will be the “Dolly Mama.”  We both pretty much belly-laughed, Sarah being so proud of her humor, and within about a minute and a half, I was sharing this joke and this new nickname with anyone that would listen.

I do have individual nicknames for my husband (“Bunny,” “Sweetheart”) and my kids (“Peanut” and “Sarah Doodle” for Sarah, “the J-Man” for Jared, “Bean” for Josh and “Rachie Bug,” “Squachel” and “the Scratcher” for Rachel).  These nicknames came about for so many reasons.  They morphed from one thing into another over time, so that sometimes I don’t even remember how I got to this final destination and name.

A name is what we use to identify ourselves and others.  A nickname brings us to a whole different level, one more familiar and personal, expressing love and relationship with another.  As I think about each one of these nicknames I have for my kids and even the nicknames they have been given by others, memories flood my mind, recalling when and why each one was given.

My favorite nickname is the one Sarah has for Jared.  When he was born, she was only 18 months old, and she combined the words, “brother” and “Jared” and tried to call him “Bread.”  But she wasn’t quite good at it yet, so she ended up, in her cute voice, morphing the word and calling him “Riddid.”  It’s 23 years later, and many times, she still calls him that.  And my heart smiles as I recall the love they share and that special memory that only a few of us understand and know.

So, here I am, “The Dolly Mama,” something given to me in Spring of 2017, and which I hope lasts a life time.

I would love you to comment and tell me your nicknames, ones you are called and ones you are given and the memories that go along with them.   And to my precious subscribers, thank you…we can encourage each other to live in the daily…